Expectations

The first day of a new job is always interesting. The butterflies in the stomach and all that stuff. Wondering if you are going to be good enough. Hoping that the other staff people are going to like you. So many new things to learn. Store procedures and company protocol. Figuring out everybody's expectations including my own.The day flew by and l think (l pray) that l have made the right choice. Time will tell. I need to think positively about my choice. I need to say "No" if l don't want to do something. The job will be what l make it.

I had a very big fight with lana tonight. I hate fighting with her. She always makes me feel so bad about myself. Her constant, "Dad said" is driving me mental. I do not care what that man has to say. I do not care what that man does. It is his 55 birthday tomorrow and l simply don't care. I left him six years ago and one of the main reasons l left him because l was sick of trying to live up to his expectations. I do not need lana placing his expectations or her expectations on me. I am what l am. Take it or leave it. If it isn't good enough, bad luck.

Decission made

Decision has been made ! Alex from Harvey Norman rang back this morning and wanted me to go back out and speak to him at lunchtime. Hmmm....didn't have to wait until Thursday after all. Must have been my threat that l had applied for another job. After we had another chat, he offered me full time work, 5 days a week. Very good ! Decision has been made and l start tomorrow morning at 9.00am. What a relief.... I just can not continue to be unemployed.

Now all l have to do is worry about whether l have made the right choice or not. Time will tell. It is commission based sales so it should be a very good job with a well recognized company. All being good Billy is going to Centrelink with his father tomorrow to change his details so that l can stop paying Wayne child support. I am far too easy going about those arrangements and it continually bits me on the bum. If Billy is going to live here then l'm not going to pay Wayne another cent. I am so over Wayne ripping off the system. I just tell myself that every dog gets his day !

Hopefully, l can stop spiralling into depression and get my life back on track. Money coming in again will certainly help ease my depression. I hope that l have made the right choice. The interview/coffee with that girl yesterday certainly made me think about what l didn't want to do ! I am over stuck up wanta be's and she was definitely one of them. Now l sound stuck up. I just think that there is merit in being humble. All l want is a job that l can enjoy going to and to be able to leave work at work. Oh... for a simple life !

Well, it's done now

Got up bright and early. Made sure everything was as perfect as it could be. I even put stockings and high heels on with a skirt. I want the job. Funny thing is that l've never even been inside the doors of Domain Living. It is one of those shops where you stand out the front, look through the window, determine that you will never be able to afford anything in there (why would you pay that amount of money for furniture anyway?) and walk away. So why is it that l want this job??????

I want the job because l can't stand being unemployed. That is how the young wench that interviewed me treated me. I doubt l'll get the job because she knew she'd meet her match when l keep finishing her sentences. I couldn't stop myself. She was telling me how overworked she is, how one girl left last week and another is leaving this week, how hard it is to get staff to work for her the way she wants them to and WHAT A GREAT PLACE TO WORK DOMAIN LIVING IS ! Hmmm.... I want the job because l can't stand being unemployed. I have no money. I have bills to pay. I need a purpose. But Tracey do you want to work for a patronizing bitch ????

Well, l got home thinking l should have done this and l shouldn't have done that and then l realized that l should have done it just the way l did because that is me. If she doesn't like it then l don't want to work for her anyway. I do really but l needed to justify my emotions. So then l picked up the phone and rang Harvey Norman who were going to get back to me last week. Yes, they still want to employ me but Alex is just slack. Hasn't organized hours, doesn't really know what he is going to do with me. Ring him back Thursday morning. Arrhhhh.....nothing is happening quickly. The phone rings, Tracy the Placement People, he wants to know how the coffee/interview go ? I didn't think quickly enough, l hesitated, oh l mucked it up, l just know l did. Wayne says that he will be speaking to Domain Living later today and that he'll ring me back with the heads up on how l'm going. Arrhhhh....it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. I don't want to get it wrong. That's it, l'm in tears again really unsure where my life is going.

I put myself to bed. I just can't cope with these levels of stress. I know l create them in myself but l just can't stop the uncertainty. I hate it. I truly think l'm going to implode. What do l want to do ? Why isn't my career path clear ? Arrhhhh....

Back there ????

Seriously, if l spend another day in tears l am going to have to admit that l'm back there. I've tried so hard not to return to this dark hole. Depression, such a wicked disease. I hate it. Doesn't matter how positive you appear on the outside you're insides just eat you up. I went to Melbourne yesterday and got my hair done so that l would feel better. I hate grey hairs. Makes me feel old, very old. Hmm... but even with a new hair colour and no more grey hairs, l do not feel any better. I am so frustrated that l have no purpose. I hate it. Nothing to do. No money to do anything. I can't even motivate myself to nag my son into getting a job. I don't have the money to finish the renovations of my house. I can't justify spending the money to buy more paint. Frustrated and constantly in tears for no apparent reason.

Great to have him home. Yeah right ! Haven't really seen him because he is off playing the perfect Dad. That sounds like l'm being a selfish bitch doesn't it. I like being the most important person. He knows that. He certainly isn't making me feel like the most important person in his world at the moment. I think he is missing the point that l really am not coping. There are times when l think he understands but it scares him when l'm not well, when Tracey isn't in control. He wanted me to stop working so hard but of course l took that to the extreme and now l am not working at all. I am not doing a very good job at explaining how l feel to him at the moment. Think that is because l would have to admit that l need him and l am such a stubborn bitch that l don't ever like to admit that l might need someone or something. Even if l did admit it, l doubt that he would take me seriously. I really don't know if l'm well enough to work again. My doctor says the problem is that when l feel out of control l am actually experiencing what the rest of the population usually feel. Hmm.... maybe so but l hate it. I am so nervous about this interview/coffee thing tomorrow that l can't think straight. What if l don't get this job either ? What if she doesn't like me ? What if ?????? Arhhhhh.... l am going to go watch the cricket.

Scared to tell

I am so excited....but l am scared if l tell it won't happen. Silly but l am really embarrassed that l am unemployed. What if l tell you what l am thinking and then it doesn't happen ? I made the decision to quit my last job out of pure exhaustion. I am really tried of people taking advantage of my generous nature. However there is, as always a lesson to be learnt here ! I need to learn how to say "NO". Funny, it is one for the smallest words in the English language but l just do not understand it's meaning. It goes against every grain in my body but my body is wearing out. While my soul continues to grow in strength, l neglect my physical being and l am paying the price. I am overweight, continually tried and nothing seems to be reducing my stress levels.

I must admit that l am somewhat in better shape mentally now than l was five months ago when l stopped working. Really quiting work was my last attempt to stop spiraling into my fourth break-down. It took me so long to get well last time. I surprised myself when l realised that l crawled out of that sliding depression just over four years ago now. That is pretty impressive. Supposedly l am a highly intelligent woman but there are days where my brain simply just leaves my body. Prozac whilst a life saver is one of the hardest drugs l have ever tried to give up. It is so addictive. Your mind convinces itself that it can not function without it. There is no doubt that it assists cognitive functioning but at what cost. I promised myself and my then boyfriend, Chris, that l would never, ever get so sick again. It is a difficult thing to determine because if anybody really knew what triggers a break-down then nobody would ever have one. Please let me know if you ever find the answer to that question.

Interesting that l can help hundreds of other people cope with their mental state but struggle with my own. Everybody thinks that l am so mentally strong. If only they knew the real Tracey. The Tracey that l know and struggle to come to terms with everyday. If they knew how alone and empty l feel. How inadequate and irresponsible l constantly feel. Thi all stems from the feeling that nobody really understands me. They don't realize how terrified l am of getting it wrong. Getting what wrong you might ask ? Well, l think l am scared of getting life wrong. Scared of giving the wrong guidance to people l love and care about. Scared of interpreting my dreams the wrong way. Scared of choosing the wrong job again. Scared of not learning my lessons in life and having to do them over and over again until l learn them. I hate getting it wrong. Stupid really because of course l realize that some things have got to go wrong in order to learn. In actual fact most things go wrong in some way we just modify our behaviour as we go along but it doesn't stop me from being scared of getting it wrong. The only solution to my inner problems is to believe that there is a reason why everything happens and it is not up to me to determine why it happens. Still doesn't stop my head from doing spins.

Anyway, the sicker l get the worst my dreams get. That doesn't make sense does it ? They become so vivid. I had one before Christmas that lead me to go to Tracy the Placement People, an employment agency here in Bendigo. Afterall, l needed a job and figured a company named after me would be a pretty cool place. It was tiny. Only one employment consultant. Even funnier is that his name was Wayne but remember l am following my dream. Crazy. We had an informal chat about what l might like to do with my future. It wasn't very productive because l have no idea what l'd really like to do. He determined that there was no rush to find me a job. Really what l needed to do was wait till after Christmas and something that would suit me would turn up. OK for him, obviously his bills are being paid, unlike mine. I left his office thinking that l had got it wrong, the answer was not at Tracy the Placement People. Wrong again....

Thursday morning while snuggling with my man (happy that he has finally made it home to stay, well l think l'm happy) Wayne phones to tell me that he has arranged that on Monday morning, at 10.00am l am to meet a lady at the Bath Lane Cafe. No interview, just a chat over coffee. No need to take a resume or anything. She knows all about me. No idea what she looks like. Can't even get a straight answer as to whether her name is Suzanne or Suzanna. She is the owner of Domain Living. Hmm...suppose you have no idea what Domain Living is.....Domain Living is the most upmarket, yuppie furniture store in Bendigo. It is the home of Jimmy Possum. Jimmy Possum furniture is handcrafted and made here in Bendigo. The woman who owns Jimmy Possum is Suzanne's or Suzanna's mother and she just won the Telstra Business Woman of the Year in 2006. Oh, and she won the Westpac Business Woman of the Year as well and in 2005 Jimmy Possum won Business of the Year. Hmm....you getting the picture. I am so scared that if l tell it won't happen but l just can't keep it bottled up any more. I SOooo WANT THIS JOB ! Maybe, just maybe there is truth in everything comes to those who wait. Pray for me.

Time will tell

It was an early start for me this morning. I'm still trying to work out if it was a good day or not. I suppose time will tell. My man has quit his job and came home this morning. It isn't quiet as bad as it sounds he has another job to go to on Monday which is Bendigo based in preference to Australia based. I should be incredibly happy about that but l just do not know if this is a good decision or not. He loved the job but missed his children. I'd like to think that he missed me too but that is a hard thing for a man to admit, isn't it.

I am concerned that he is putting himself back in the position to be manipulated again. When he is away he can't be pushed to do things that he doesn't want to because he simply isn't here but when he is home she takes advantage of his soft nature. Pick the kids up from here, take the kids there, you never spend enough time with the kids, etc, etc. The list goes on and includes the spouting on the shed is falling off, the security door isn't closing properly, the trailer is full of rubbish and she doesn't have a towbar, the pickets on the front fence are falling off and generally speaking she makes him feel responsible for these things. Is it unfair of me to ask why she doesn't just get somebody in to fix these things ? I have a gardener/handyman who does little jobs for me. Otherwise, when he comes home we would never get any time together because l would have a list too. She is just manipulative and plain unreasonable. I should also add there, RUDE and demanding. You are right in assuming that l do not like her. I tolerate her because he has asked me too. No other reason. I need to stop looking at the negatives to this situation and be happy that he is home again. However, time will tell.

What was l to do ?

Now what would you do if your daughter rang you and said that she had just run over her laptop computer with her car ? Hmmm...l suggested that she ring somebody who knew something about computers rather than her Mother who knows nothing very much about computers. I thought it was a good solution. Her father has a very good friend George who builds computers. George was my friend too, till l got divorced. You would think that she would phone her father. Nope. As this was the laptop computer supplied to her by Real Deal Bedding and Furniture where she works (where l used to work) she was expecting me to ring her boss. I know that l should support her but there comes a time in one's life where one must simply stand on their own two feet. Besides she has got bigger feet than me. Anyway, she did not find me at all helpful and told me so. Then she hung up on me. I phoned back and told her to grow up and found myself apologizing for not being good enough to be able to help her. Stupid. Why did l feel so inadequate ? Why does she always made me feel bad when something goes wrong in her life ? What was l suppose to do ?

Pushed to the limit

Spent most of the morning applying for jobs. You would think that l would enjoy doing this but no. I have this sick feeling in my stomach every time l put an application in. I keep trying to convince myself that these are jobs l'd really like to do. In reality l think my problem is that l don't want to work. Terrible thing to say at my age but l'm just over it. It is like people in general at the moment, l'm over them too. Because l have such a bad attitude l don't seem to be getting many things right at the moment. Very frustrating. As l had not heard back from Harvey Norman last week, when the man said he would notify successful applicant, l assumed that again l had not got the position. Apparently not, he rang today and asked if a would take a four day week. Of course l said yes because Harvey Norman are all over Australia. Part-time work would really suit me. He really didn't commit over the phone. Well he kind of did but didn't. Said he'd have to look at what hours he had available and that he would ring me back on Wednesday afternoon. Does that mean l have the job or what ?

I was so busy having my little meltdown about work that l sent Mum and Dad to the Doctor's by themselves. First time Dad has been out of his unit since he came home from hospital on the 2nd of January. This man will not even walk as far as the letterbox. Anyway, l got them to drop Billy into town for a haircut on their way. Silly me thought that these people would all be able to manage these simple tasks without me. Mum rings about an hour later. They have been to the Doctor's, that was fine but she stopped at the supermarket on the way home. She left Dad in the car. She wasn't going to be long. When she got back to the car he wasn't there. She locked the keys in the car in her panic. Of course, being the chronic alcoholic that he is, he had gone to buy a couple of cans of beer. Don't know where he got the money from. Can't believe that if he is left alone for 5 minutes that is all he can think of. I was so angry. No l was really pissed off !

I phoned a friend and got her to drive me to the other side of town with the spare key. I was so angry. I got in the car and l yelled, l screamed, l threatened to drop him at the Psych centre on my way back home. He sat in silence. Not a word. Not one word. I continued to scream. The screaming achieved nothing really, just made me feel a bit better. I called him for everything. Told him how ungrateful he was. Threatened that if he took one sip of beer or raised his voice at Mum, l was going to have him locked up again. Then he got angry. Then he had something to say. I was not going to be swayed on this. I insisted that he hand the beer over. He made me pay him $5 before he would hand them over. By this point l had reached the place of no return with my anger. I was driving and the venom was just pouring out of my mouth. We picked Billy up and headed home. Everybody ate dinner in silence. They all think l'm quiet crazy. Maybe l am but l tell you, they are pushing me to my limit.

Hmmm...l retreated to my bedroom. l was exhausted from my earlier tantrum. Then the power goes off. Only for a minute but long enough that my Austar needs to be re-set. I ring the help line and after 25 minutes l get to talk to a not very helpful young lady who speaks to me like l'm an idiot. Not the day to be doing that. I ask to speak to her manager who tells me that she thinks that l am being unreasonable. She then asks if there is somebody else in the house, like my husband who might understand what she is telling me. Well, this tantrum included tears, lots of swearing, me hanging up on her and threatening to cancel my Austar. Not good. Don't think that l am coping very well at the moment. I laid down on my bed and waited for my children to come home to fix the Austar. It took Billy a couple of minutes to pick the DVD player, the video, the stero and the Austar box up and put them back into the tv unit while l was ranting about the woman l'd been speaking to. Then he pushed the yellow button and all was good. Austar restored with the push of a button and Tracey going to bed exhausted by my tantrum throwing day.

Yum, Yum Chinese

I was having another quiet day watching the cricket when the phone rang. Christine and Jason were at my favourite Chinese restaurant and wanted to know if l wanted to have dinner with them. I had taken Christine to dinner there a couple of years ago and now she eats there regularly. I didn't know that they had smorgasbord there on Friday and Sunday nights. All you can eat and only $13.00 per head. Yum, Yum...they have the best Chinese food in Bendigo.

The company wasn't bad either. Always nice to catch up with friends over dinner. They seem so happy on the outside. I find it very difficult to believe that they are not happy. I think Cherrie is extremely jealous of her mother's happiness. It was difficult for me not to make such a comment over dinner. Couldn't help thinking that l was asked to dinner so that l could elaborate on what Cherrie had said to me while l was cleaning on Friday. Hmm...best leave that alone. Christine was busy showing me drafts for wedding invitations and discussing wedding plans. It didn't feel good. Don't know how else to explain it. I want for her to be happy. I don't want to judge her happiness. I'm not going to judge her happiness. I believe that she is happy. Can't put my finger on why it didn't feel good. Anyway, nice dinner and good company.

Rain, Rain, Rain

Rain. Beautiful Rain. It's been so long since Bendigo has had any decent rain, l can't remember when the last time was. People are smiling again. Our main water supply, Lake Eppalock was down to 1.7% capacity. The tree's in my front garden even look like they are smiling again. Is that possible ? I mean for a tree to smile ? Don't care, they look like they are smiling to me. I am smiling. There is not a blade of grass to be seen at my house. All dust. The dust has finally been settled. I've got a windcheater on. Doesn't sound like much but to the people of Central Victoria, it is just awesome.

It was a peaceful day. Did a bit of grocery shopping, watched the tennis and of course the beach cricket. Cleaned my house and hand washed all my polished floorboards. Don't know why l bothered because Billy had some of his mates over who walked mud right through my house. One should not complain but should be grateful for the rain. I pray that it continues. Kim was over after tea but l so did not feel like talking about nothing. She got the hint and had gone home by 10 o'clock. Maybe l am becoming a recluse? I am so over people and everything they have to say at the moment. It simply wouldn't bother me if l saw nobody. I could quiet simply just lay here and watch the rain fall.

What a week

I really have had a shit of a week ! Don't care if you can't swear on here it is the only way to describe my week. Tuesday was so hot l simply just did not go outside the house. I was suppose to go and have lunch with my good friend Christine but l just could not be bothered. I found out that l didn't get the job l had gone for a Harvey Norman last week. Again, they felt that l was over qualified. Can there but such a thing ? It is so tempting to make up a resume and say that l have been a stay at home Mum or something like that for the last ten years. I think it has far more to do with men being intimidated by me. I get the feeling that they think if they employ me l might take their job. Damn straight l would. I am sick to death of men who think they are so good. Hmmm....stop grumbling Tracey. God must have a plan for you ! Believe girl.

Wednesday l went to Christine's house and cleaned for four hours. That is what she wanted. She didn't really want to see me. She just knows that l'm not working at the moment and that l like to clean. I find cleaning very therapeutic. All she had to do was ask me to clean instead of pretending to give a damn. There was no way l was going to tell her how stressed l am about money. There was no way l was going to tell her that l have no money. I told her it was all good that l would clean for her as a favour. Hmmm....she is a tidy person but l am a clean freak so cleaning her house was hard work, down on my hands and knees scrubbing her floors, sweat dripping off me. It is 40 degrees in the shade here in Bendigo. Still very therapeutic. Tracey time. Nobody to interrupt my hopes and dreams.

Thursday was another wasted day. I am just not motivated to do anything because l can not decide what to do with myself. I do not want to work 50 hours a week anymore. I am not even sure that l want to work anymore. The people l have worked for in my last two jobs have just used Tracey's ability to make them lots of money and have been so ungrateful. Why bother ? I know because l need to eat and pay bills. I hate going to the letterbox at the moment because there is just bills, bills and more bills. Ten Pin bowling went back tonight. That was pretty cool. I enjoy bowling. Mum and I bowl together on a Thursday night. It is our mother/daughter time.

Friday ! The only day really worth mentioning. My man came home. The weeks are so, so long with him away. I miss him terribly. We talk heaps but it just isn't the same as when he is home. It was lunchtime before l got to Christine's to finish cleaning. I just wanted to spent time with him while l could. He is going to have a busy weekend and not a lot of time for Tracey. Anyway, l now know why l am cleaning her house. Her daughter was home and she spend the three hours that l was there telling me how much she hates Christine's new boyfriend. How he has taken over the house. How worried she is about her Mum. I see now that l was sent there to clean so that Cherrie would have somebody to listen to her. Yep, a purpose to being on my hands and knee's other than praying. I hope I've made her feel better. I really did not want to know the ins and outs of her mother's relationship. As far as l was concerned, Christine and Jason were very happy and going to get married later in the year. I am going to stay out of the whole situation. Happy to listen to Cherrie but l am going to do nothing.....

The best news of the whole week, actually the best news in the last four months is that Centrelink have finally decided to process my application for a Carers Pension. Yes. That will take a little bit of the financial pressure off. Looking after two old people is not as easy as one would think. There are doctor appointments, the district nurse coming twice a week, the social worker coming to home once a week, meals to cook and arguments to referee. Thank God that Centrelink have now decided that perhaps l might need a little bit of help. The young man l spoke to at Centrelink was not very helpful and l have had to push them a little bit. They seemed to feel that l would be better off back working where l pay $800 a week tax to keep people on the dole in preference to being at home looking after my parents. Really, the system has got a lot to answer for. Thankfully somebody with some level of intelligence has been given my file and they have now approved my application. Apparently, they may even back pay me which would be nice but l am not holding my breath.

Bra's and Knicker's

Now l am aware that this is a G rated blog spot. My friend and l went shopping in Melbourne today. You will be pleased to know that l didn't get any speeding fines on the way down or back and we left an hour later than we had planned. Kim was late, not me and that is surprising because l am always running late. Anyway, we called in to see my very good friend Pidz before we started our shopping. Thought we were only going to have a cuppa and leave but his sister Kay came home while we were there with some sad news. She had just taken their younger sister Carmel to the doctors and she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Everybody was a bit shocked with this statement because Kay herself had breast cancer eight years ago. Kay was more upset than Carmel who apparently did not even shed a tear. Needless to say we stayed a bit longer than planned in the hope of making Kay feel a bit better about the whole situation. I think that Kay was struggling more with her own journey than Pidz and l had realized.

Anyway, Kim and l then headed into the Crown Casino complex to shop for underwear. Kim had been given a $300 gift voucher last June. Time to cash it in. Silly me thought that we would have a great time spending $300 on underwear. I love nice underwear. The shop has moved to Bourke Street. Damn ! We left the car at the Casino complex and set off on a lovely walk up to Bourke Street. Good job that l knew my way around Melbourne because Kim had no idea. We finally find this tiny little shop at the GPO on the corner of Elizabeth Street and Bourke Street. Can not see any underwear but we are in the right place. All the underwear is in little boxes on the wall and we need to choose from the catalogue. Apparently you are not allowed to touch the underwear until you have made your choice because it is french lace. I am very disappointed but Kim seems to have some idea that this was going to happen. She flicks through the catalogue and within a minute she tells the little Asian girl the bra she would like to look at and her size.

I was relieved to know that you are allowed to try the underwear on. The little (l mean really little) girl goes to the little boxes on the wall and pulls out Kim's choice. Kim asks to see the matching underwear. I am thinking that is a good idea because l like my bra and knickers to match. Nice, very nice. Kim goes to try them on. Yep, we will have those. OMG, $273 for the bra (covered by the gift voucher) but $224 for the knickers (not covered by the gift voucher). I do not care if they are french lace or gold lace that is ridiculous ! Well, Kim thinks about it for a minute and then decides to look at a G String in the hope it will be cheaper. I am thinking maybe we should ask for crutch less knickers ie/ less is cheaper. LOL. She decides that she will pay $117 for french lace G String ! Simply ridiculous. Now l can be as decadent as they come but really l would have to agree with my man on this occasion. His view was, WHY ? He likes the naked version better anyway. LOL. I do love that man. My mouth still dropped open, the sales girl puts the G String in a box big enough to fit 200 tightly packed G Strings and the bra in another box just as big. Now I am understanding the price structure. We are paying for the wrapping. LOL.

We leave the shop and Kim is really pleased with her purchase. I am so not understanding her head space. She feels that her man (who is somebody else's man) will be very impressed. My head is sitting in judgement thinking he just wants her to dress like a prostitute and he is happy to pay for that pleasure because his wife will not reduce herself to dress like that. Now that is not very nice Tracey !!!! However, l do feel that it is a pretty true statement. I am embarrassed. That is right, Tracey is embarrassed. I feel like l have just been shopping in a shop that services hookers. Not known for my ability to hold in such thoughts, out it comes. OMG, she justifies her purchase with the statement, "l deserve it. He thinks a lot of me to give me such a lovely gift." What does one say ? I did not know what to say. Then she says, "If l was going to get married, l would shop for bridal underwear there. Their underwear is beautiful. I can't wait to wear this for him. It will really turn him on."

I am speechless. Apart from the fact that l do not really approve of her relationship with this man anyway, l am now receiving way too much information and just can not believe that somebody would spend that amount on a bra and a pair of knickers. Even if l were getting married, l would have trouble justifying spending that much on underwear. Do not get me wrong, l like nice underwear but......l decide that l should not say any more. That is right, l decided to shut up. Well, actually l simply did not know what else to say to this young lady who under values her self worth. We head back to the car and home to Bendigo with nothing further said on the matter. So much for my shopping day in Melbourne. I think we were in the shop for about 15 minutes max and we drove four hours to get there and back. Days like today just make me appreciate the simple things in life.

Lazy Sunday

Not a lot happening around here today. My friend Kim came over to visit. It is always good to catch up with her. She is on holidays at the moment so it was a very relaxing afternoon just sitting around chatting to her with the cricket on in the background. Australia won again in case you didn't know. Kim owns her own mobile dog grooming service, "Plush Puppies". That is how l meet her. When l stole my dog back from my ex-husband she needed to be clipped so Kim came to the rescue.

Bella dog is a cockaspanial, rather like a walking carpet. Wayne had not clipped her in over a year and she was having trouble walking because of the grass burs caught in her fur. Bella loves Kim and it is very apparent that Kim spoils Bella with doggy treats. Anyway, Kim and l have also become good friends. l understand how hard it is to run your own business. People expect so much more from you once they know that you own a business. Funny because really you are just an average person trying to earn a living doing something that you enjoy or that you are good at. Owning your own business tends to isolate you in a small town like Bendigo. Besides being a great dog groomer she is a lovely, down to earth young lady who is trying to save enough money to buy her own house so that she can move out of her parents house. She is very caring and l have a lot of time for her. Only trouble is that she works very hard and we do not often have lazy Sunday afternoons to just sit around and chat. Tomorrow we are going to Melbourne to have some retail therapy. Should be good fun.

End of the festive season

Really l have absolutely no time left to write in my blog today. I simply do not know where my days go now. Being unemployed you would think that l would have endless hours of free time wouldn't you. Lana visited today in her new car. It is pretty flash. Her father has fully restored a 1966 Ford XP for her. It was suppose to be finished for her 18 birthday but well that was 10 weeks ago but who is counting. The car is awesome. It will suit Lana because she likes being different from other people. No idea where she gets that from. Her father has been building this car for the last three years. I have to admit he has done an excellent job. Apparently $12,000 worth of good job. It is fully chromed and dark green in colour. Lana's boyfriend Alan is a spray painter so he helped with the final spray. I am going to try to work out how to get a photo onto this blog because it is a pretty cool car.

It has cheered Lana up a bit because she hurt her back at work earlier in the week. Strained all the muscles in the lower back unloading a truck of furniture that she should not have been unloading in the first place but her manager was yelling and swearing at her. Yes, l am very angry about that. The physio has taped her back and she has a week off work. Poor kid. The car has certainly brightened up her week. I wanted to go for a drive in it but well it just didn't seem right to ask. I will have to make it a mission to do that later this week.

I did find time to pull down the Christmas tree and pack it away for another year. I have promised myself that it will not sit in the shed without coming out every Christmas from now on. There really is no excuse for not celebrating Christmas of 2004 & 2005. Perhaps by celebrating 2006, l have in fact set up 2007 to be my best year ever. Funny thing the power of positive thought. A dear friend of mine reminded me that positive thought can achieve miracles. I believe that, l taught her that and she taught me to have faith. I have let my faith dwindle in 2006 and have promised myself that in 2007 l shall believe, l shall think positively and a shall draw on my faith. I have so much to be grateful for instead of grumbling about what l do not have. So even though the festive season is over for 2006, l feel inspired, refreshed and l am looking forward to the rest of 2007.

Am l weird ?

Well l have been tagged by Ruthie to determine if there is anything weird about me. Told her she should not have bothered, everybody already knows that l am a little bit different. Anyway, l shall share a little bit about myself. The rules state that l need to tag five other bloggers but l simply do not know five other bloggers so l can only half play the game.....

Here are the rules to play :-
(1) List five weird things about yourself or your pets
(2)Tag five friends and list them
(3)Those people need to write in their blogs about five weird things
and state the rules and tag five more people
(4)Don't forget to let the people you tag know by posting a
comment on their blog

5 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME
1. When l open a pack of biscuits, l can not leave them in their original wrapping, l have to put them into an air tight container. Now that is not odd but l suppose the fact that l line them up in straight lines might be considered as a little bit strange.

2. When l change a toilet roll the paper needs to roll off from the top not the bottom. Just can not stand the paper coming out of the bottom. I've got to change it even if l am in another persons toilet. Oh and l can never understand why people do not put the empty toilet roll in the bin. Do they think that if they leave it in the toilet long enough it will regrow paper ????

3. I have this really curly, kind of frizzy mass of hair which only my closest and dearest friends ever see. It was prefect 80's hair but now l straighten it with a straightening iron before step outside the door. It is also very grey now so l get it dyed a multitude of colours so nobody know how old l really am getting.

4. When l am up a ladder l can not step back down the ladder the same way l went up the ladder. l have to turn around so l can see my way down the ladder. I am told that this is very odd. Apparently nobody gets down the steps of a truck quiet like me.

5. I can not stand anything to be put in a pile. Everything has it's place and it should be put away. Just can not stand piles. My mother loves piles. She has piles of things in every room. On every bench. Not a clear space in sight. Hate piles. Drives me nuts. I have been told that makes me very anal. Do not care. No piles in my home or workplace.

An easy task for me to complete Ruthie, l do so many odd things. So, am l weird or just a little bit different ? Maybe you should not answer that question. Scarfic to say l am loveable in my own sweet way.

Bring on 2007...

Remember for 2007,
Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
Never regret a moment !

I've been away on an adventure with no computer to blog on so this entry will be long, very long. I just don't want to forget a moment.....

Monday 1st January
Well 2007 is here and what better way to start the New Year than setting off in a truck to Adelaide with the man l love. Only had an hour and a half to pack but l did it ! This year is going to be the best ever. You have got to love this man. He knew that l wanted to go to Brisbane to see my best and most dearest friend Ruth so he arranged it. Not an easy task but he did it. He'll have to drive endless miles and work very hard along the way but we will have at least 10 days together. So much time with the man l love and to enjoy the simple things in life. Anyway, he drove all night and in the early hours of the morning we stopped in a parking bay at the bottom of the hills, on the outskirts of Adelaide. A beautiful clear night, stars in the sky and a warm early morning breeze. Not a doubt in my mind that 2007 will be a year filled with much love and happiness.

Tuesday 2nd January
We woke up to the sun shinning through the window..opps should have closed the curtains but the moonlight was so beautiful. Into Adelaide to unload the truck. That didn't go quiet so smoothly. It took five hours to get unloaded. There were trucks and Christmas freight everywhere. Job had to be done though. We picked up the most fantastic lunch from this little cafe. Fresh, fresh sandwiches, yum,yum. No time to stop. The truck had to be reloaded to head to Brisbane. Yes Brisbane ! On my way to see my friend Ruthie and her family but it took another four and a half hours to get loaded before we could leave Adelaide. The only good thing about that was while we waited in the long line of trucks, he slept and l got to watch the cricket. As evening approached we were finally on our way through the most beautiful countryside. Hard to imagine the rest of Australia in a drought. The hills were full of healthy crops and livestock. The sunset was simply amazing. The truck coming to a stop for food and some sleep in Yunta, which is the middle of nowhere in particular.

Wednesday 3rd January
Life on the road. Driving, driving and some more driving. A big day and many, many miles. We thought the back road would be an interesting drive and it didn't disappoint us. Again, we drove through some beautiful countryside and saw some awesome properties throughout South Australia. We had a bit of difficulty getting fuel for the truck. We assumed that Broken Hill which was a big dot on the map would have a truck stop. We were wrong. No fuel. There wasn't much of anything in Broken Hill and it was becoming very evident that outback New South Wales is experiencing a drought. The land had now become dry and baron with very little livestock to be seen. We continued to Willcannia, a small town with a high aboriginal population and a fuel depot for trucks. Well, there was a house with a fuel pump in it's front lawn and that was good enough for us. Some more driving and then a stop for a shower at Gilgandra. Refreshed and on our way again, watching yet another amazing sunset. The full moon lighting up the road ahead of us we finally came to a stop just before Gundagai in Pilgers State Forest.

Thursday 4th January
Hmmm....waking up beside the man that you love in the middle of a State Forest. It is a very long way from Bendigo to Brisbane via Adelaide. The driving seems like it will never end. The truck stopping only for the legal breaks, half an hour every five hours and minimum six hours sleep in every twenty-four hour period. We finally get into Brisbane just after lunchtime. Unloaded the truck and headed to the Brisbane depot to drop the trailers. A quick shower and we were on our way to Ruth's house. I am so excited. Another hour of driving to get to there but it will be worth it. I was trying to remember how long it was since l had seen Ruth. I think it has been about seven years. I know it has been far too long. As the truck pulled into the driveway l could see her and her family all proudly standing in front of their new home waiting for me to arrive. It was awesome. Hugs all round. The kids and Ruth climbing into our little home on wheels to check it out and the men standing chewing the fat. Awesome. Now for the tour of their home. Up the stairs and into a house full of loving. I stole some moments with her children, all by myself and read them all a bedtime story. Nice, very nice. Her children are even more beautiful in real life. Can not believe l have missed them growing up. Kids put to bed now it was time to catch up, eat a meal together, check out the rest of the house, photo's to be taken and a chance to see her scrapping albums. Awesome. How l wish there was more time to spend with Ruth and her family. Not to be, the men needed to go to bed so that they could get up for work. My heart wanted to sit and chat to Ruthie around the clock but going to bed with our men seemed the right thing to do.

Friday 5th January
Time with Ruth was over far to quickly. We had a morning cup of tea and took some photo's of Thomas and the girls on the very big truck which Thomas thought was pretty cool but then it was time to go. The truck needed to be loaded for an express load to Parkes and there was more driving to be done. It all went smoothly and soon we were on our way again. l spent most of the day just daydreaming and thinking how very lucky l am to have such good friends and a man who loves me. 2007 is going to be a fantastic year.

Saturday 6th January
We arrived in Parkes in the early hours of the morning. It was almost impossible to find the depot to be able to unload this truck. He was tried and grumpy by this stage and that wasn't helping. I had been asleep and woke up to him throwing a bit of a tantrum. I laid there and listened to him phoning around trying to get directions. Impossible. I got up and we asked a passing car for directions. Local people tend to know the area a little better than people in an office thousands of miles away. LOL. Ten minutes later we arrive at the depot to find it locked. Nobody there till 7.30am. Time for some shut eye. Unloaded, reloaded and time for breakfast at McDonalds. Pancakes..... yum, yum. It was a beautiful day. More driving to be done though. Back to Brisbane. The driving seemed to take forever today. He was tried. So many miles, very little rest and heat that we're not use to. Impossible to get back to Brisbane without more sleep.

Sunday 7th January
We arrive in Brisbane about 9.30am and drop the trailers at the Brisbane depot. It is a day off ! The company have decided that he deserves a day in a motel. They are paying. Awesome. Really by law the driver must have 24 hours out of his truck in any 7 day period. The motel is nothing flash but it has a shower and it is certainly bigger than a truck. I want to go to the market. I want to go to the beach. I want to go back to see Ruth and her family. I want far too much. This man is exhausted. He just wants to do nothing. That's fair. More than fair. He has had a big week. I struggle to sit around doing nothing. It is just not in me. If l stop l sleep. So be it. He decides that we should get up and have a bit of a wonder around 4 o'clock. One drink on the veranda of the hotel and we head back to the room. He is in relax mode and nothing much is going to happen. Snuggling on the bed is very nice though.

Time for food. We get dressed and head over the hotel for food only to find that they do not do meals on a Sunday. One of the other drivers, Stevie J and his son are sitting on the veranda so we have a drink with them and then walk around the corner to the Chinese Restaurant. Nice. Very nice. A romantic dinner for two would have been nicer but a bit of social time with Stevie J was fine. I am sure that Stevie would have enjoyed drinking all night but I very selfishly lead my man back to our room for some more quality couple time. Nice.

Monday 8th January
Up bright and early to go and unload. We were thinking that we were pretty lucky to be sent to reload straight away. How wrong we were. It was a bitch of a load. It was well over 40 degrees in the shade and it took over 3 hours for him to load pallets that didn't fit, it the sun. Poor man. I was worried that he was going to drop with heat exhaustion. Nope he has got stamina. He wants to get out of Brisbane and down the road a bit before we stop for a shower. Hmmm... truly this was the best part of the whole trip away. We stopped at the top of the hills before Warwick and went for a walk through the rain forest. Breath taking. Beautiful. We have promised ourselves that we will go back there again and spend the day just wondering through the trees. The view from the lookout was awesome. The passionate kissing and cuddling as the rain fall was........have to leave that to your imagination !

Sadly it must come to an end. Some more miles to travel. We stopped briefly at Warwick to check the load. It had all moved and he was not happy about that. It did however distract him enough for me to buy him a present. Something that he will love and treasure as a memory of our trip away. A leather log book cover. Doesn't sound like much but to a truck driver it will mean a lot. Everyday he will be reminded of our time away. I managed to hide it away in the truck and save it for a special moment to give it to him. He saw it on our way up to Brisbane but won't let me buy it for him. Haha he will be very surprised. He deserves to be spoilt. I love this man with all my heart. Back in the truck and more driving. I fear that the more miles we travel, the sooner my escape with my man will end.

Tuesday 9th January
A long day. Driving, driving and still more driving. I do not know how he does it day in, day out. He enjoys it. I simply can not continue to sit and watch the road. Gone are the beautiful hills. Replace by drought stricken outback New South Wales. We did stop and have a lovely meal for dinner but more work to be done. He needs to unload in Melbourne in the morning and is on a mission to get there. A couple of short breaks but really not enough sleep for either of us. He wakes me in the early hours of the morning to tell me that we are back in Melbourne.

Wednesday 10th January
We are unloaded early at the first drop. Around to the second drop and a phone call to my Mum to come and get me from Melbourne. He has to reload for Sydney and head off again later tonight. Enough truck time for Tracey, my holiday at an end. I hate leaving him. If l had my way we would be joined at the hip 24/7 but that is just a dream. We are both very independant people who would probably struggle with somebody in our space 24/7. However, that said, l enjoyed every minute of 10 days of 24/7 with my man and shall remember how much he spoilt me forever.