Pushed to the limit

Spent most of the morning applying for jobs. You would think that l would enjoy doing this but no. I have this sick feeling in my stomach every time l put an application in. I keep trying to convince myself that these are jobs l'd really like to do. In reality l think my problem is that l don't want to work. Terrible thing to say at my age but l'm just over it. It is like people in general at the moment, l'm over them too. Because l have such a bad attitude l don't seem to be getting many things right at the moment. Very frustrating. As l had not heard back from Harvey Norman last week, when the man said he would notify successful applicant, l assumed that again l had not got the position. Apparently not, he rang today and asked if a would take a four day week. Of course l said yes because Harvey Norman are all over Australia. Part-time work would really suit me. He really didn't commit over the phone. Well he kind of did but didn't. Said he'd have to look at what hours he had available and that he would ring me back on Wednesday afternoon. Does that mean l have the job or what ?

I was so busy having my little meltdown about work that l sent Mum and Dad to the Doctor's by themselves. First time Dad has been out of his unit since he came home from hospital on the 2nd of January. This man will not even walk as far as the letterbox. Anyway, l got them to drop Billy into town for a haircut on their way. Silly me thought that these people would all be able to manage these simple tasks without me. Mum rings about an hour later. They have been to the Doctor's, that was fine but she stopped at the supermarket on the way home. She left Dad in the car. She wasn't going to be long. When she got back to the car he wasn't there. She locked the keys in the car in her panic. Of course, being the chronic alcoholic that he is, he had gone to buy a couple of cans of beer. Don't know where he got the money from. Can't believe that if he is left alone for 5 minutes that is all he can think of. I was so angry. No l was really pissed off !

I phoned a friend and got her to drive me to the other side of town with the spare key. I was so angry. I got in the car and l yelled, l screamed, l threatened to drop him at the Psych centre on my way back home. He sat in silence. Not a word. Not one word. I continued to scream. The screaming achieved nothing really, just made me feel a bit better. I called him for everything. Told him how ungrateful he was. Threatened that if he took one sip of beer or raised his voice at Mum, l was going to have him locked up again. Then he got angry. Then he had something to say. I was not going to be swayed on this. I insisted that he hand the beer over. He made me pay him $5 before he would hand them over. By this point l had reached the place of no return with my anger. I was driving and the venom was just pouring out of my mouth. We picked Billy up and headed home. Everybody ate dinner in silence. They all think l'm quiet crazy. Maybe l am but l tell you, they are pushing me to my limit.

Hmmm...l retreated to my bedroom. l was exhausted from my earlier tantrum. Then the power goes off. Only for a minute but long enough that my Austar needs to be re-set. I ring the help line and after 25 minutes l get to talk to a not very helpful young lady who speaks to me like l'm an idiot. Not the day to be doing that. I ask to speak to her manager who tells me that she thinks that l am being unreasonable. She then asks if there is somebody else in the house, like my husband who might understand what she is telling me. Well, this tantrum included tears, lots of swearing, me hanging up on her and threatening to cancel my Austar. Not good. Don't think that l am coping very well at the moment. I laid down on my bed and waited for my children to come home to fix the Austar. It took Billy a couple of minutes to pick the DVD player, the video, the stero and the Austar box up and put them back into the tv unit while l was ranting about the woman l'd been speaking to. Then he pushed the yellow button and all was good. Austar restored with the push of a button and Tracey going to bed exhausted by my tantrum throwing day.