Back there ????

Seriously, if l spend another day in tears l am going to have to admit that l'm back there. I've tried so hard not to return to this dark hole. Depression, such a wicked disease. I hate it. Doesn't matter how positive you appear on the outside you're insides just eat you up. I went to Melbourne yesterday and got my hair done so that l would feel better. I hate grey hairs. Makes me feel old, very old. Hmm... but even with a new hair colour and no more grey hairs, l do not feel any better. I am so frustrated that l have no purpose. I hate it. Nothing to do. No money to do anything. I can't even motivate myself to nag my son into getting a job. I don't have the money to finish the renovations of my house. I can't justify spending the money to buy more paint. Frustrated and constantly in tears for no apparent reason.

Great to have him home. Yeah right ! Haven't really seen him because he is off playing the perfect Dad. That sounds like l'm being a selfish bitch doesn't it. I like being the most important person. He knows that. He certainly isn't making me feel like the most important person in his world at the moment. I think he is missing the point that l really am not coping. There are times when l think he understands but it scares him when l'm not well, when Tracey isn't in control. He wanted me to stop working so hard but of course l took that to the extreme and now l am not working at all. I am not doing a very good job at explaining how l feel to him at the moment. Think that is because l would have to admit that l need him and l am such a stubborn bitch that l don't ever like to admit that l might need someone or something. Even if l did admit it, l doubt that he would take me seriously. I really don't know if l'm well enough to work again. My doctor says the problem is that when l feel out of control l am actually experiencing what the rest of the population usually feel. Hmm.... maybe so but l hate it. I am so nervous about this interview/coffee thing tomorrow that l can't think straight. What if l don't get this job either ? What if she doesn't like me ? What if ?????? Arhhhhh.... l am going to go watch the cricket.