Scared to tell

I am so excited....but l am scared if l tell it won't happen. Silly but l am really embarrassed that l am unemployed. What if l tell you what l am thinking and then it doesn't happen ? I made the decision to quit my last job out of pure exhaustion. I am really tried of people taking advantage of my generous nature. However there is, as always a lesson to be learnt here ! I need to learn how to say "NO". Funny, it is one for the smallest words in the English language but l just do not understand it's meaning. It goes against every grain in my body but my body is wearing out. While my soul continues to grow in strength, l neglect my physical being and l am paying the price. I am overweight, continually tried and nothing seems to be reducing my stress levels.

I must admit that l am somewhat in better shape mentally now than l was five months ago when l stopped working. Really quiting work was my last attempt to stop spiraling into my fourth break-down. It took me so long to get well last time. I surprised myself when l realised that l crawled out of that sliding depression just over four years ago now. That is pretty impressive. Supposedly l am a highly intelligent woman but there are days where my brain simply just leaves my body. Prozac whilst a life saver is one of the hardest drugs l have ever tried to give up. It is so addictive. Your mind convinces itself that it can not function without it. There is no doubt that it assists cognitive functioning but at what cost. I promised myself and my then boyfriend, Chris, that l would never, ever get so sick again. It is a difficult thing to determine because if anybody really knew what triggers a break-down then nobody would ever have one. Please let me know if you ever find the answer to that question.

Interesting that l can help hundreds of other people cope with their mental state but struggle with my own. Everybody thinks that l am so mentally strong. If only they knew the real Tracey. The Tracey that l know and struggle to come to terms with everyday. If they knew how alone and empty l feel. How inadequate and irresponsible l constantly feel. Thi all stems from the feeling that nobody really understands me. They don't realize how terrified l am of getting it wrong. Getting what wrong you might ask ? Well, l think l am scared of getting life wrong. Scared of giving the wrong guidance to people l love and care about. Scared of interpreting my dreams the wrong way. Scared of choosing the wrong job again. Scared of not learning my lessons in life and having to do them over and over again until l learn them. I hate getting it wrong. Stupid really because of course l realize that some things have got to go wrong in order to learn. In actual fact most things go wrong in some way we just modify our behaviour as we go along but it doesn't stop me from being scared of getting it wrong. The only solution to my inner problems is to believe that there is a reason why everything happens and it is not up to me to determine why it happens. Still doesn't stop my head from doing spins.

Anyway, the sicker l get the worst my dreams get. That doesn't make sense does it ? They become so vivid. I had one before Christmas that lead me to go to Tracy the Placement People, an employment agency here in Bendigo. Afterall, l needed a job and figured a company named after me would be a pretty cool place. It was tiny. Only one employment consultant. Even funnier is that his name was Wayne but remember l am following my dream. Crazy. We had an informal chat about what l might like to do with my future. It wasn't very productive because l have no idea what l'd really like to do. He determined that there was no rush to find me a job. Really what l needed to do was wait till after Christmas and something that would suit me would turn up. OK for him, obviously his bills are being paid, unlike mine. I left his office thinking that l had got it wrong, the answer was not at Tracy the Placement People. Wrong again....

Thursday morning while snuggling with my man (happy that he has finally made it home to stay, well l think l'm happy) Wayne phones to tell me that he has arranged that on Monday morning, at 10.00am l am to meet a lady at the Bath Lane Cafe. No interview, just a chat over coffee. No need to take a resume or anything. She knows all about me. No idea what she looks like. Can't even get a straight answer as to whether her name is Suzanne or Suzanna. She is the owner of Domain Living. Hmm...suppose you have no idea what Domain Living is.....Domain Living is the most upmarket, yuppie furniture store in Bendigo. It is the home of Jimmy Possum. Jimmy Possum furniture is handcrafted and made here in Bendigo. The woman who owns Jimmy Possum is Suzanne's or Suzanna's mother and she just won the Telstra Business Woman of the Year in 2006. Oh, and she won the Westpac Business Woman of the Year as well and in 2005 Jimmy Possum won Business of the Year. Hmm....you getting the picture. I am so scared that if l tell it won't happen but l just can't keep it bottled up any more. I SOooo WANT THIS JOB ! Maybe, just maybe there is truth in everything comes to those who wait. Pray for me.