All is good !

Well it hasn't taken long for Bendigo to find out that l'm working at Harvey Norman. So many people go in and out of that store in a day that there is no way l was ever going to be able to hide. I have been working flat out and thankfully selling well. I told them l was good so it has been good to be able to prove that l am good at selling. All the other sales people in my area are men so they are slowly warming to the idea of having a woman on the sales floor. As to whether they are getting used to Tracey, well that is another question.

My daughter is talking to me again but only just. Absolutely nothing has been said about her father which is good because l am well over that. As for my man, l think he is struggling with me being back at work. There has been no time for us to be together. The hours of his new job and my new job just don't seem to be connecting at the moment. I miss my time with him but l'm no missing sliding down that dark tunnel of depression. There appears to be a bit of light shinning at the moment and all is reasonably good in my world.

Working 9-8 ?

Working 9am - 8pm is one way of getting the hang of a new job. A very long day. I walked miles and my feet hurt but it is going to be a good job. I am sure that l am going to enjoy it. The boss brought Chinese for the staff for dinner . That was nice. So even though you work a long day he recognizes the effort. When l finished work l had to drive out to the farm and get Billy from his father's birthday celebrations because Billy decided that he would like to bowl with Nan and I in preference to a bonfire at the farm. What sort of idiot has a bonfire at this time of year ? What about how dry it is everywhere? It is stupid. I do not care if it is his 55 birthday or not. It is still stupid.

Expectations

The first day of a new job is always interesting. The butterflies in the stomach and all that stuff. Wondering if you are going to be good enough. Hoping that the other staff people are going to like you. So many new things to learn. Store procedures and company protocol. Figuring out everybody's expectations including my own.The day flew by and l think (l pray) that l have made the right choice. Time will tell. I need to think positively about my choice. I need to say "No" if l don't want to do something. The job will be what l make it.

I had a very big fight with lana tonight. I hate fighting with her. She always makes me feel so bad about myself. Her constant, "Dad said" is driving me mental. I do not care what that man has to say. I do not care what that man does. It is his 55 birthday tomorrow and l simply don't care. I left him six years ago and one of the main reasons l left him because l was sick of trying to live up to his expectations. I do not need lana placing his expectations or her expectations on me. I am what l am. Take it or leave it. If it isn't good enough, bad luck.

Decission made

Decision has been made ! Alex from Harvey Norman rang back this morning and wanted me to go back out and speak to him at lunchtime. Hmmm....didn't have to wait until Thursday after all. Must have been my threat that l had applied for another job. After we had another chat, he offered me full time work, 5 days a week. Very good ! Decision has been made and l start tomorrow morning at 9.00am. What a relief.... I just can not continue to be unemployed.

Now all l have to do is worry about whether l have made the right choice or not. Time will tell. It is commission based sales so it should be a very good job with a well recognized company. All being good Billy is going to Centrelink with his father tomorrow to change his details so that l can stop paying Wayne child support. I am far too easy going about those arrangements and it continually bits me on the bum. If Billy is going to live here then l'm not going to pay Wayne another cent. I am so over Wayne ripping off the system. I just tell myself that every dog gets his day !

Hopefully, l can stop spiralling into depression and get my life back on track. Money coming in again will certainly help ease my depression. I hope that l have made the right choice. The interview/coffee with that girl yesterday certainly made me think about what l didn't want to do ! I am over stuck up wanta be's and she was definitely one of them. Now l sound stuck up. I just think that there is merit in being humble. All l want is a job that l can enjoy going to and to be able to leave work at work. Oh... for a simple life !

Well, it's done now

Got up bright and early. Made sure everything was as perfect as it could be. I even put stockings and high heels on with a skirt. I want the job. Funny thing is that l've never even been inside the doors of Domain Living. It is one of those shops where you stand out the front, look through the window, determine that you will never be able to afford anything in there (why would you pay that amount of money for furniture anyway?) and walk away. So why is it that l want this job??????

I want the job because l can't stand being unemployed. That is how the young wench that interviewed me treated me. I doubt l'll get the job because she knew she'd meet her match when l keep finishing her sentences. I couldn't stop myself. She was telling me how overworked she is, how one girl left last week and another is leaving this week, how hard it is to get staff to work for her the way she wants them to and WHAT A GREAT PLACE TO WORK DOMAIN LIVING IS ! Hmmm.... I want the job because l can't stand being unemployed. I have no money. I have bills to pay. I need a purpose. But Tracey do you want to work for a patronizing bitch ????

Well, l got home thinking l should have done this and l shouldn't have done that and then l realized that l should have done it just the way l did because that is me. If she doesn't like it then l don't want to work for her anyway. I do really but l needed to justify my emotions. So then l picked up the phone and rang Harvey Norman who were going to get back to me last week. Yes, they still want to employ me but Alex is just slack. Hasn't organized hours, doesn't really know what he is going to do with me. Ring him back Thursday morning. Arrhhhh.....nothing is happening quickly. The phone rings, Tracy the Placement People, he wants to know how the coffee/interview go ? I didn't think quickly enough, l hesitated, oh l mucked it up, l just know l did. Wayne says that he will be speaking to Domain Living later today and that he'll ring me back with the heads up on how l'm going. Arrhhhh....it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. I don't want to get it wrong. That's it, l'm in tears again really unsure where my life is going.

I put myself to bed. I just can't cope with these levels of stress. I know l create them in myself but l just can't stop the uncertainty. I hate it. I truly think l'm going to implode. What do l want to do ? Why isn't my career path clear ? Arrhhhh....

Back there ????

Seriously, if l spend another day in tears l am going to have to admit that l'm back there. I've tried so hard not to return to this dark hole. Depression, such a wicked disease. I hate it. Doesn't matter how positive you appear on the outside you're insides just eat you up. I went to Melbourne yesterday and got my hair done so that l would feel better. I hate grey hairs. Makes me feel old, very old. Hmm... but even with a new hair colour and no more grey hairs, l do not feel any better. I am so frustrated that l have no purpose. I hate it. Nothing to do. No money to do anything. I can't even motivate myself to nag my son into getting a job. I don't have the money to finish the renovations of my house. I can't justify spending the money to buy more paint. Frustrated and constantly in tears for no apparent reason.

Great to have him home. Yeah right ! Haven't really seen him because he is off playing the perfect Dad. That sounds like l'm being a selfish bitch doesn't it. I like being the most important person. He knows that. He certainly isn't making me feel like the most important person in his world at the moment. I think he is missing the point that l really am not coping. There are times when l think he understands but it scares him when l'm not well, when Tracey isn't in control. He wanted me to stop working so hard but of course l took that to the extreme and now l am not working at all. I am not doing a very good job at explaining how l feel to him at the moment. Think that is because l would have to admit that l need him and l am such a stubborn bitch that l don't ever like to admit that l might need someone or something. Even if l did admit it, l doubt that he would take me seriously. I really don't know if l'm well enough to work again. My doctor says the problem is that when l feel out of control l am actually experiencing what the rest of the population usually feel. Hmm.... maybe so but l hate it. I am so nervous about this interview/coffee thing tomorrow that l can't think straight. What if l don't get this job either ? What if she doesn't like me ? What if ?????? Arhhhhh.... l am going to go watch the cricket.

Scared to tell

I am so excited....but l am scared if l tell it won't happen. Silly but l am really embarrassed that l am unemployed. What if l tell you what l am thinking and then it doesn't happen ? I made the decision to quit my last job out of pure exhaustion. I am really tried of people taking advantage of my generous nature. However there is, as always a lesson to be learnt here ! I need to learn how to say "NO". Funny, it is one for the smallest words in the English language but l just do not understand it's meaning. It goes against every grain in my body but my body is wearing out. While my soul continues to grow in strength, l neglect my physical being and l am paying the price. I am overweight, continually tried and nothing seems to be reducing my stress levels.

I must admit that l am somewhat in better shape mentally now than l was five months ago when l stopped working. Really quiting work was my last attempt to stop spiraling into my fourth break-down. It took me so long to get well last time. I surprised myself when l realised that l crawled out of that sliding depression just over four years ago now. That is pretty impressive. Supposedly l am a highly intelligent woman but there are days where my brain simply just leaves my body. Prozac whilst a life saver is one of the hardest drugs l have ever tried to give up. It is so addictive. Your mind convinces itself that it can not function without it. There is no doubt that it assists cognitive functioning but at what cost. I promised myself and my then boyfriend, Chris, that l would never, ever get so sick again. It is a difficult thing to determine because if anybody really knew what triggers a break-down then nobody would ever have one. Please let me know if you ever find the answer to that question.

Interesting that l can help hundreds of other people cope with their mental state but struggle with my own. Everybody thinks that l am so mentally strong. If only they knew the real Tracey. The Tracey that l know and struggle to come to terms with everyday. If they knew how alone and empty l feel. How inadequate and irresponsible l constantly feel. Thi all stems from the feeling that nobody really understands me. They don't realize how terrified l am of getting it wrong. Getting what wrong you might ask ? Well, l think l am scared of getting life wrong. Scared of giving the wrong guidance to people l love and care about. Scared of interpreting my dreams the wrong way. Scared of choosing the wrong job again. Scared of not learning my lessons in life and having to do them over and over again until l learn them. I hate getting it wrong. Stupid really because of course l realize that some things have got to go wrong in order to learn. In actual fact most things go wrong in some way we just modify our behaviour as we go along but it doesn't stop me from being scared of getting it wrong. The only solution to my inner problems is to believe that there is a reason why everything happens and it is not up to me to determine why it happens. Still doesn't stop my head from doing spins.

Anyway, the sicker l get the worst my dreams get. That doesn't make sense does it ? They become so vivid. I had one before Christmas that lead me to go to Tracy the Placement People, an employment agency here in Bendigo. Afterall, l needed a job and figured a company named after me would be a pretty cool place. It was tiny. Only one employment consultant. Even funnier is that his name was Wayne but remember l am following my dream. Crazy. We had an informal chat about what l might like to do with my future. It wasn't very productive because l have no idea what l'd really like to do. He determined that there was no rush to find me a job. Really what l needed to do was wait till after Christmas and something that would suit me would turn up. OK for him, obviously his bills are being paid, unlike mine. I left his office thinking that l had got it wrong, the answer was not at Tracy the Placement People. Wrong again....

Thursday morning while snuggling with my man (happy that he has finally made it home to stay, well l think l'm happy) Wayne phones to tell me that he has arranged that on Monday morning, at 10.00am l am to meet a lady at the Bath Lane Cafe. No interview, just a chat over coffee. No need to take a resume or anything. She knows all about me. No idea what she looks like. Can't even get a straight answer as to whether her name is Suzanne or Suzanna. She is the owner of Domain Living. Hmm...suppose you have no idea what Domain Living is.....Domain Living is the most upmarket, yuppie furniture store in Bendigo. It is the home of Jimmy Possum. Jimmy Possum furniture is handcrafted and made here in Bendigo. The woman who owns Jimmy Possum is Suzanne's or Suzanna's mother and she just won the Telstra Business Woman of the Year in 2006. Oh, and she won the Westpac Business Woman of the Year as well and in 2005 Jimmy Possum won Business of the Year. Hmm....you getting the picture. I am so scared that if l tell it won't happen but l just can't keep it bottled up any more. I SOooo WANT THIS JOB ! Maybe, just maybe there is truth in everything comes to those who wait. Pray for me.