So much fuss for 24 hours...It has been very hard for me to find the Christmas spirit this year. It really hasn't been the happiest Christmas l can remember. It is so nice to have Ruth back in my life. When the phone rang this morning and l heard the STD beeps l was so excited. I just love hearing her voice. She was just so excited (as always) about Christmas.
All weekend l've tried to get into the spirit of things. I sanded and oiled the outdoor setting. A job l was going to do last Christmas. I'd brought the oil but just didn't get motivated to do it. I finally put together a photo frame with old,old photo's of my Mum and Dad, their wedding day, their parents, Mum's brother and Dad's sister. I've had the frame hanging in my hallway for two years waiting for some photo's. Well, waiting for me to decide what to put in the frame. I didn't know whether l wanted my children or what. Ruth's scrapping inspired me to look through Mum's cupboards and l am so glad l did. Now l've framed Mum's memories not just my own.
My man came home on Saturday so l spent some quality time with him. We rarely get to spend time together without one of us having to be somewhere or doing something for somebody else. Hence no blog entry for Saturday night. I figure he is worth it. We sat and watched TV and generally did nothing. We slept in and enjoyed just being together with the world stopped for about 18 hours. Today he is off celebrating Christmas with his girls at his Mum & Dad's. Eighteen years of emotional hurt with my ex-husbands children have taught me a good lesson not to get involved in the parenting of other women's children. Though it makes Christmas a lonely time for me.
My own children have grown up now and it seems that because they see me all the time they make different choices on Christmas Day. Really it all started when l got divorced because l refused to fight over Christmas. I just decided that l didn't need any one day to love the special people in my life. Nor did l need one particular day to give presents. This attitude defused any arguments and meant that my children could do whatever they choose to do on Christmas Day. Interestingly, this attitude means that nobody who knows me has to feel guilty about not spending time with me at Christmas. It's easier for everybody that way.
My daughter went with her boyfriend to Swan Hill, which is about 3 hours away, to see his mother and sisters. He doesn't see them very often so they make a big deal out of Christmas. Last year l drove Lana and Al to Swan Hill and took Billy because Al wanted the whole family deal. I hated it. It just reminded me of how nice Christmas used to be when my family were all together. So, this year l'm back to not doing Christmas and just dogsitting Lana's puppy for a couple of days. "Chopper" or "Chop" as she is called has actually been quite good company and a distraction from my feelings of loneliness. Billy was here all day and has gone to his father's tonight but well he is a teenager and really just tries to do the right thing by spending so time with me and some with his father. We spoke about it today and really he dislikes Christmas as much as me. I think it's all about the expectation other people have.
Anyway, all in all a quite day. Dad was home from hospital on day leave. My brother did ring my parents to wish them Merry Christmas but didn't speak to me. He rang on Saturday to apologize for his behaviour on Thursday night but it's going to take a bit more than an apology for me to forgive him. Hmmm....I will have to reach real deep inside myself to forgive him. I do not think that he liked what l had to say to him. I feel that he needs to give up drinking. One day he will wake up to find everything and everybody that he loves just won't be there. He needs to have a good look at himself because he isn't a very nice person at the moment. It's sounds like l'm being extremely ungrateful and a hard old bitch but I think it's all about respect. He hasn't shown any respect to me as a person and I certainly do not respect the person he has become. At least l don't have to worry about him coming to visit for Christmas. He is too embrassed to show his face here.
So this is Christmas.......MERRY CHRISTMAS ! Bring on 2007 and l shall try hard to get in the Christmas spirit next year.
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Right, time to realise you are not responsible for your brother! You did not raise him, you did not make his choices for him, you did not make him an alcoholic and you are not responsible for his behaviour or to save him. He is not savable by his sister! You need to stop trying. I made a big mistake of stepping in between my brother and his wife. Eventually I realsied I could help thie kids but not them. I too nearly got a fist in face before I relaised this. Once you let that one go you can start conscentraing on what you need to be happy! And I know that being a mum to Waynes kids didn't work but you have learnt enough to know you can be a girlfriend without being a mum. You do not have to exclude yourself from his family, you can never have a fully loving relationship until you let go of the past and make this one different. Meet the bloody kids for God sake. Find out who they are and be 'the girlfriend' not the mother, not the friend of the kids, but the one who loves the dad and makes him happy. Let go of the past and move forward. DO NOT make be get outta this chari and come down there. Christmas is a time to love and share, it does not have to be family. I bought a gift for the wishing tree for Jason's mum except some other grandmother will get it, one who needs a pick me up. I give to the salvos who help so many homeless youth at Christmas, I give genorously because it makes me feel good. I pay for a strangers coffee or toll fee. It doesn't matter how you give or how you love the point is give it a go and make yourself feel great. You are so worth the loving feeling, take it! Love you and care for you my dearest friend and I want you to be happy. Just how big can you make these messages? LOL.
Ruth
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