True, this really happened

All is good !

2007-02-07T22:25:00.000+11:00

Well it hasn't taken long for Bendigo to find out that l'm working at Harvey Norman. So many people go in and out of that store in a day that there is no way l was ever going to be able to hide. I have been working flat out and thankfully selling well. I told them l was good so it has been good to be able to prove that l am good at selling. All the other sales people in my area are men so they are slowly warming to the idea of having a woman on the sales floor. As to whether they are getting used to Tracey, well that is another question.

My daughter is talking to me again but only just. Absolutely nothing has been said about her father which is good because l am well over that. As for my man, l think he is struggling with me being back at work. There has been no time for us to be together. The hours of his new job and my new job just don't seem to be connecting at the moment. I miss my time with him but l'm no missing sliding down that dark tunnel of depression. There appears to be a bit of light shinning at the moment and all is reasonably good in my world.

Working 9-8 ?

2007-02-01T23:44:00.000+11:00

Working 9am - 8pm is one way of getting the hang of a new job. A very long day. I walked miles and my feet hurt but it is going to be a good job. I am sure that l am going to enjoy it. The boss brought Chinese for the staff for dinner . That was nice. So even though you work a long day he recognizes the effort. When l finished work l had to drive out to the farm and get Billy from his father's birthday celebrations because Billy decided that he would like to bowl with Nan and I in preference to a bonfire at the farm. What sort of idiot has a bonfire at this time of year ? What about how dry it is everywhere? It is stupid. I do not care if it is his 55 birthday or not. It is still stupid.

Expectations

2007-01-31T22:33:00.000+11:00

The first day of a new job is always interesting. The butterflies in the stomach and all that stuff. Wondering if you are going to be good enough. Hoping that the other staff people are going to like you. So many new things to learn. Store procedures and company protocol. Figuring out everybody's expectations including my own.The day flew by and l think (l pray) that l have made the right choice. Time will tell. I need to think positively about my choice. I need to say "No" if l don't want to do something. The job will be what l make it.

I had a very big fight with lana tonight. I hate fighting with her. She always makes me feel so bad about myself. Her constant, "Dad said" is driving me mental. I do not care what that man has to say. I do not care what that man does. It is his 55 birthday tomorrow and l simply don't care. I left him six years ago and one of the main reasons l left him because l was sick of trying to live up to his expectations. I do not need lana placing his expectations or her expectations on me. I am what l am. Take it or leave it. If it isn't good enough, bad luck.

Decission made

2007-01-30T14:28:00.000+11:00

Decision has been made ! Alex from Harvey Norman rang back this morning and wanted me to go back out and speak to him at lunchtime. Hmmm....didn't have to wait until Thursday after all. Must have been my threat that l had applied for another job. After we had another chat, he offered me full time work, 5 days a week. Very good ! Decision has been made and l start tomorrow morning at 9.00am. What a relief.... I just can not continue to be unemployed.

Now all l have to do is worry about whether l have made the right choice or not. Time will tell. It is commission based sales so it should be a very good job with a well recognized company. All being good Billy is going to Centrelink with his father tomorrow to change his details so that l can stop paying Wayne child support. I am far too easy going about those arrangements and it continually bits me on the bum. If Billy is going to live here then l'm not going to pay Wayne another cent. I am so over Wayne ripping off the system. I just tell myself that every dog gets his day !

Hopefully, l can stop spiralling into depression and get my life back on track. Money coming in again will certainly help ease my depression. I hope that l have made the right choice. The interview/coffee with that girl yesterday certainly made me think about what l didn't want to do ! I am over stuck up wanta be's and she was definitely one of them. Now l sound stuck up. I just think that there is merit in being humble. All l want is a job that l can enjoy going to and to be able to leave work at work. Oh... for a simple life !

Well, it's done now

2007-01-30T10:06:00.000+11:00

Got up bright and early. Made sure everything was as perfect as it could be. I even put stockings and high heels on with a skirt. I want the job. Funny thing is that l've never even been inside the doors of Domain Living. It is one of those shops where you stand out the front, look through the window, determine that you will never be able to afford anything in there (why would you pay that amount of money for furniture anyway?) and walk away. So why is it that l want this job??????

I want the job because l can't stand being unemployed. That is how the young wench that interviewed me treated me. I doubt l'll get the job because she knew she'd meet her match when l keep finishing her sentences. I couldn't stop myself. She was telling me how overworked she is, how one girl left last week and another is leaving this week, how hard it is to get staff to work for her the way she wants them to and WHAT A GREAT PLACE TO WORK DOMAIN LIVING IS ! Hmmm.... I want the job because l can't stand being unemployed. I have no money. I have bills to pay. I need a purpose. But Tracey do you want to work for a patronizing bitch ????

Well, l got home thinking l should have done this and l shouldn't have done that and then l realized that l should have done it just the way l did because that is me. If she doesn't like it then l don't want to work for her anyway. I do really but l needed to justify my emotions. So then l picked up the phone and rang Harvey Norman who were going to get back to me last week. Yes, they still want to employ me but Alex is just slack. Hasn't organized hours, doesn't really know what he is going to do with me. Ring him back Thursday morning. Arrhhhh.....nothing is happening quickly. The phone rings, Tracy the Placement People, he wants to know how the coffee/interview go ? I didn't think quickly enough, l hesitated, oh l mucked it up, l just know l did. Wayne says that he will be speaking to Domain Living later today and that he'll ring me back with the heads up on how l'm going. Arrhhhh....it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. I don't want to get it wrong. That's it, l'm in tears again really unsure where my life is going.

I put myself to bed. I just can't cope with these levels of stress. I know l create them in myself but l just can't stop the uncertainty. I hate it. I truly think l'm going to implode. What do l want to do ? Why isn't my career path clear ? Arrhhhh....

Back there ????

2007-01-29T11:52:00.000+11:00

Seriously, if l spend another day in tears l am going to have to admit that l'm back there. I've tried so hard not to return to this dark hole. Depression, such a wicked disease. I hate it. Doesn't matter how positive you appear on the outside you're insides just eat you up. I went to Melbourne yesterday and got my hair done so that l would feel better. I hate grey hairs. Makes me feel old, very old. Hmm... but even with a new hair colour and no more grey hairs, l do not feel any better. I am so frustrated that l have no purpose. I hate it. Nothing to do. No money to do anything. I can't even motivate myself to nag my son into getting a job. I don't have the money to finish the renovations of my house. I can't justify spending the money to buy more paint. Frustrated and constantly in tears for no apparent reason.

Great to have him home. Yeah right ! Haven't really seen him because he is off playing the perfect Dad. That sounds like l'm being a selfish bitch doesn't it. I like being the most important person. He knows that. He certainly isn't making me feel like the most important person in his world at the moment. I think he is missing the point that l really am not coping. There are times when l think he understands but it scares him when l'm not well, when Tracey isn't in control. He wanted me to stop working so hard but of course l took that to the extreme and now l am not working at all. I am not doing a very good job at explaining how l feel to him at the moment. Think that is because l would have to admit that l need him and l am such a stubborn bitch that l don't ever like to admit that l might need someone or something. Even if l did admit it, l doubt that he would take me seriously. I really don't know if l'm well enough to work again. My doctor says the problem is that when l feel out of control l am actually experiencing what the rest of the population usually feel. Hmm.... maybe so but l hate it. I am so nervous about this interview/coffee thing tomorrow that l can't think straight. What if l don't get this job either ? What if she doesn't like me ? What if ?????? Arhhhhh.... l am going to go watch the cricket.

Scared to tell

2007-01-28T13:54:00.000+11:00

I am so excited....but l am scared if l tell it won't happen. Silly but l am really embarrassed that l am unemployed. What if l tell you what l am thinking and then it doesn't happen ? I made the decision to quit my last job out of pure exhaustion. I am really tried of people taking advantage of my generous nature. However there is, as always a lesson to be learnt here ! I need to learn how to say "NO". Funny, it is one for the smallest words in the English language but l just do not understand it's meaning. It goes against every grain in my body but my body is wearing out. While my soul continues to grow in strength, l neglect my physical being and l am paying the price. I am overweight, continually tried and nothing seems to be reducing my stress levels.

I must admit that l am somewhat in better shape mentally now than l was five months ago when l stopped working. Really quiting work was my last attempt to stop spiraling into my fourth break-down. It took me so long to get well last time. I surprised myself when l realised that l crawled out of that sliding depression just over four years ago now. That is pretty impressive. Supposedly l am a highly intelligent woman but there are days where my brain simply just leaves my body. Prozac whilst a life saver is one of the hardest drugs l have ever tried to give up. It is so addictive. Your mind convinces itself that it can not function without it. There is no doubt that it assists cognitive functioning but at what cost. I promised myself and my then boyfriend, Chris, that l would never, ever get so sick again. It is a difficult thing to determine because if anybody really knew what triggers a break-down then nobody would ever have one. Please let me know if you ever find the answer to that question.

Interesting that l can help hundreds of other people cope with their mental state but struggle with my own. Everybody thinks that l am so mentally strong. If only they knew the real Tracey. The Tracey that l know and struggle to come to terms with everyday. If they knew how alone and empty l feel. How inadequate and irresponsible l constantly feel. Thi all stems from the feeling that nobody really understands me. They don't realize how terrified l am of getting it wrong. Getting what wrong you might ask ? Well, l think l am scared of getting life wrong. Scared of giving the wrong guidance to people l love and care about. Scared of interpreting my dreams the wrong way. Scared of choosing the wrong job again. Scared of not learning my lessons in life and having to do them over and over again until l learn them. I hate getting it wrong. Stupid really because of course l realize that some things have got to go wrong in order to learn. In actual fact most things go wrong in some way we just modify our behaviour as we go along but it doesn't stop me from being scared of getting it wrong. The only solution to my inner problems is to believe that there is a reason why everything happens and it is not up to me to determine why it happens. Still doesn't stop my head from doing spins.

Anyway, the sicker l get the worst my dreams get. That doesn't make sense does it ? They become so vivid. I had one before Christmas that lead me to go to Tracy the Placement People, an employment agency here in Bendigo. Afterall, l needed a job and figured a company named after me would be a pretty cool place. It was tiny. Only one employment consultant. Even funnier is that his name was Wayne but remember l am following my dream. Crazy. We had an informal chat about what l might like to do with my future. It wasn't very productive because l have no idea what l'd really like to do. He determined that there was no rush to find me a job. Really what l needed to do was wait till after Christmas and something that would suit me would turn up. OK for him, obviously his bills are being paid, unlike mine. I left his office thinking that l had got it wrong, the answer was not at Tracy the Placement People. Wrong again....

Thursday morning while snuggling with my man (happy that he has finally made it home to stay, well l think l'm happy) Wayne phones to tell me that he has arranged that on Monday morning, at 10.00am l am to meet a lady at the Bath Lane Cafe. No interview, just a chat over coffee. No need to take a resume or anything. She knows all about me. No idea what she looks like. Can't even get a straight answer as to whether her name is Suzanne or Suzanna. She is the owner of Domain Living. Hmm...suppose you have no idea what Domain Living is.....Domain Living is the most upmarket, yuppie furniture store in Bendigo. It is the home of Jimmy Possum. Jimmy Possum furniture is handcrafted and made here in Bendigo. The woman who owns Jimmy Possum is Suzanne's or Suzanna's mother and she just won the Telstra Business Woman of the Year in 2006. Oh, and she won the Westpac Business Woman of the Year as well and in 2005 Jimmy Possum won Business of the Year. Hmm....you getting the picture. I am so scared that if l tell it won't happen but l just can't keep it bottled up any more. I SOooo WANT THIS JOB ! Maybe, just maybe there is truth in everything comes to those who wait. Pray for me.

Time will tell

2007-01-26T10:54:00.000+11:00

It was an early start for me this morning. I'm still trying to work out if it was a good day or not. I suppose time will tell. My man has quit his job and came home this morning. It isn't quiet as bad as it sounds he has another job to go to on Monday which is Bendigo based in preference to Australia based. I should be incredibly happy about that but l just do not know if this is a good decision or not. He loved the job but missed his children. I'd like to think that he missed me too but that is a hard thing for a man to admit, isn't it.

I am concerned that he is putting himself back in the position to be manipulated again. When he is away he can't be pushed to do things that he doesn't want to because he simply isn't here but when he is home she takes advantage of his soft nature. Pick the kids up from here, take the kids there, you never spend enough time with the kids, etc, etc. The list goes on and includes the spouting on the shed is falling off, the security door isn't closing properly, the trailer is full of rubbish and she doesn't have a towbar, the pickets on the front fence are falling off and generally speaking she makes him feel responsible for these things. Is it unfair of me to ask why she doesn't just get somebody in to fix these things ? I have a gardener/handyman who does little jobs for me. Otherwise, when he comes home we would never get any time together because l would have a list too. She is just manipulative and plain unreasonable. I should also add there, RUDE and demanding. You are right in assuming that l do not like her. I tolerate her because he has asked me too. No other reason. I need to stop looking at the negatives to this situation and be happy that he is home again. However, time will tell.

What was l to do ?

2007-01-24T15:01:00.000+11:00

Now what would you do if your daughter rang you and said that she had just run over her laptop computer with her car ? Hmmm...l suggested that she ring somebody who knew something about computers rather than her Mother who knows nothing very much about computers. I thought it was a good solution. Her father has a very good friend George who builds computers. George was my friend too, till l got divorced. You would think that she would phone her father. Nope. As this was the laptop computer supplied to her by Real Deal Bedding and Furniture where she works (where l used to work) she was expecting me to ring her boss. I know that l should support her but there comes a time in one's life where one must simply stand on their own two feet. Besides she has got bigger feet than me. Anyway, she did not find me at all helpful and told me so. Then she hung up on me. I phoned back and told her to grow up and found myself apologizing for not being good enough to be able to help her. Stupid. Why did l feel so inadequate ? Why does she always made me feel bad when something goes wrong in her life ? What was l suppose to do ?

Pushed to the limit

2007-01-23T09:18:00.000+11:00

Spent most of the morning applying for jobs. You would think that l would enjoy doing this but no. I have this sick feeling in my stomach every time l put an application in. I keep trying to convince myself that these are jobs l'd really like to do. In reality l think my problem is that l don't want to work. Terrible thing to say at my age but l'm just over it. It is like people in general at the moment, l'm over them too. Because l have such a bad attitude l don't seem to be getting many things right at the moment. Very frustrating. As l had not heard back from Harvey Norman last week, when the man said he would notify successful applicant, l assumed that again l had not got the position. Apparently not, he rang today and asked if a would take a four day week. Of course l said yes because Harvey Norman are all over Australia. Part-time work would really suit me. He really didn't commit over the phone. Well he kind of did but didn't. Said he'd have to look at what hours he had available and that he would ring me back on Wednesday afternoon. Does that mean l have the job or what ?

I was so busy having my little meltdown about work that l sent Mum and Dad to the Doctor's by themselves. First time Dad has been out of his unit since he came home from hospital on the 2nd of January. This man will not even walk as far as the letterbox. Anyway, l got them to drop Billy into town for a haircut on their way. Silly me thought that these people would all be able to manage these simple tasks without me. Mum rings about an hour later. They have been to the Doctor's, that was fine but she stopped at the supermarket on the way home. She left Dad in the car. She wasn't going to be long. When she got back to the car he wasn't there. She locked the keys in the car in her panic. Of course, being the chronic alcoholic that he is, he had gone to buy a couple of cans of beer. Don't know where he got the money from. Can't believe that if he is left alone for 5 minutes that is all he can think of. I was so angry. No l was really pissed off !

I phoned a friend and got her to drive me to the other side of town with the spare key. I was so angry. I got in the car and l yelled, l screamed, l threatened to drop him at the Psych centre on my way back home. He sat in silence. Not a word. Not one word. I continued to scream. The screaming achieved nothing really, just made me feel a bit better. I called him for everything. Told him how ungrateful he was. Threatened that if he took one sip of beer or raised his voice at Mum, l was going to have him locked up again. Then he got angry. Then he had something to say. I was not going to be swayed on this. I insisted that he hand the beer over. He made me pay him $5 before he would hand them over. By this point l had reached the place of no return with my anger. I was driving and the venom was just pouring out of my mouth. We picked Billy up and headed home. Everybody ate dinner in silence. They all think l'm quiet crazy. Maybe l am but l tell you, they are pushing me to my limit.

Hmmm...l retreated to my bedroom. l was exhausted from my earlier tantrum. Then the power goes off. Only for a minute but long enough that my Austar needs to be re-set. I ring the help line and after 25 minutes l get to talk to a not very helpful young lady who speaks to me like l'm an idiot. Not the day to be doing that. I ask to speak to her manager who tells me that she thinks that l am being unreasonable. She then asks if there is somebody else in the house, like my husband who might understand what she is telling me. Well, this tantrum included tears, lots of swearing, me hanging up on her and threatening to cancel my Austar. Not good. Don't think that l am coping very well at the moment. I laid down on my bed and waited for my children to come home to fix the Austar. It took Billy a couple of minutes to pick the DVD player, the video, the stero and the Austar box up and put them back into the tv unit while l was ranting about the woman l'd been speaking to. Then he pushed the yellow button and all was good. Austar restored with the push of a button and Tracey going to bed exhausted by my tantrum throwing day.

Yum, Yum Chinese

2007-01-22T10:02:00.000+11:00

I was having another quiet day watching the cricket when the phone rang. Christine and Jason were at my favourite Chinese restaurant and wanted to know if l wanted to have dinner with them. I had taken Christine to dinner there a couple of years ago and now she eats there regularly. I didn't know that they had smorgasbord there on Friday and Sunday nights. All you can eat and only $13.00 per head. Yum, Yum...they have the best Chinese food in Bendigo.

The company wasn't bad either. Always nice to catch up with friends over dinner. They seem so happy on the outside. I find it very difficult to believe that they are not happy. I think Cherrie is extremely jealous of her mother's happiness. It was difficult for me not to make such a comment over dinner. Couldn't help thinking that l was asked to dinner so that l could elaborate on what Cherrie had said to me while l was cleaning on Friday. Hmm...best leave that alone. Christine was busy showing me drafts for wedding invitations and discussing wedding plans. It didn't feel good. Don't know how else to explain it. I want for her to be happy. I don't want to judge her happiness. I'm not going to judge her happiness. I believe that she is happy. Can't put my finger on why it didn't feel good. Anyway, nice dinner and good company.

Rain, Rain, Rain

2007-01-21T14:31:00.000+11:00

Rain. Beautiful Rain. It's been so long since Bendigo has had any decent rain, l can't remember when the last time was. People are smiling again. Our main water supply, Lake Eppalock was down to 1.7% capacity. The tree's in my front garden even look like they are smiling again. Is that possible ? I mean for a tree to smile ? Don't care, they look like they are smiling to me. I am smiling. There is not a blade of grass to be seen at my house. All dust. The dust has finally been settled. I've got a windcheater on. Doesn't sound like much but to the people of Central Victoria, it is just awesome.

It was a peaceful day. Did a bit of grocery shopping, watched the tennis and of course the beach cricket. Cleaned my house and hand washed all my polished floorboards. Don't know why l bothered because Billy had some of his mates over who walked mud right through my house. One should not complain but should be grateful for the rain. I pray that it continues. Kim was over after tea but l so did not feel like talking about nothing. She got the hint and had gone home by 10 o'clock. Maybe l am becoming a recluse? I am so over people and everything they have to say at the moment. It simply wouldn't bother me if l saw nobody. I could quiet simply just lay here and watch the rain fall.

What a week

2007-01-20T15:18:00.000+11:00

I really have had a shit of a week ! Don't care if you can't swear on here it is the only way to describe my week. Tuesday was so hot l simply just did not go outside the house. I was suppose to go and have lunch with my good friend Christine but l just could not be bothered. I found out that l didn't get the job l had gone for a Harvey Norman last week. Again, they felt that l was over qualified. Can there but such a thing ? It is so tempting to make up a resume and say that l have been a stay at home Mum or something like that for the last ten years. I think it has far more to do with men being intimidated by me. I get the feeling that they think if they employ me l might take their job. Damn straight l would. I am sick to death of men who think they are so good. Hmmm....stop grumbling Tracey. God must have a plan for you ! Believe girl.

Wednesday l went to Christine's house and cleaned for four hours. That is what she wanted. She didn't really want to see me. She just knows that l'm not working at the moment and that l like to clean. I find cleaning very therapeutic. All she had to do was ask me to clean instead of pretending to give a damn. There was no way l was going to tell her how stressed l am about money. There was no way l was going to tell her that l have no money. I told her it was all good that l would clean for her as a favour. Hmmm....she is a tidy person but l am a clean freak so cleaning her house was hard work, down on my hands and knees scrubbing her floors, sweat dripping off me. It is 40 degrees in the shade here in Bendigo. Still very therapeutic. Tracey time. Nobody to interrupt my hopes and dreams.

Thursday was another wasted day. I am just not motivated to do anything because l can not decide what to do with myself. I do not want to work 50 hours a week anymore. I am not even sure that l want to work anymore. The people l have worked for in my last two jobs have just used Tracey's ability to make them lots of money and have been so ungrateful. Why bother ? I know because l need to eat and pay bills. I hate going to the letterbox at the moment because there is just bills, bills and more bills. Ten Pin bowling went back tonight. That was pretty cool. I enjoy bowling. Mum and I bowl together on a Thursday night. It is our mother/daughter time.

Friday ! The only day really worth mentioning. My man came home. The weeks are so, so long with him away. I miss him terribly. We talk heaps but it just isn't the same as when he is home. It was lunchtime before l got to Christine's to finish cleaning. I just wanted to spent time with him while l could. He is going to have a busy weekend and not a lot of time for Tracey. Anyway, l now know why l am cleaning her house. Her daughter was home and she spend the three hours that l was there telling me how much she hates Christine's new boyfriend. How he has taken over the house. How worried she is about her Mum. I see now that l was sent there to clean so that Cherrie would have somebody to listen to her. Yep, a purpose to being on my hands and knee's other than praying. I hope I've made her feel better. I really did not want to know the ins and outs of her mother's relationship. As far as l was concerned, Christine and Jason were very happy and going to get married later in the year. I am going to stay out of the whole situation. Happy to listen to Cherrie but l am going to do nothing.....

The best news of the whole week, actually the best news in the last four months is that Centrelink have finally decided to process my application for a Carers Pension. Yes. That will take a little bit of the financial pressure off. Looking after two old people is not as easy as one would think. There are doctor appointments, the district nurse coming twice a week, the social worker coming to home once a week, meals to cook and arguments to referee. Thank God that Centrelink have now decided that perhaps l might need a little bit of help. The young man l spoke to at Centrelink was not very helpful and l have had to push them a little bit. They seemed to feel that l would be better off back working where l pay $800 a week tax to keep people on the dole in preference to being at home looking after my parents. Really, the system has got a lot to answer for. Thankfully somebody with some level of intelligence has been given my file and they have now approved my application. Apparently, they may even back pay me which would be nice but l am not holding my breath.

Bra's and Knicker's

2007-01-16T09:19:00.000+11:00

Now l am aware that this is a G rated blog spot. My friend and l went shopping in Melbourne today. You will be pleased to know that l didn't get any speeding fines on the way down or back and we left an hour later than we had planned. Kim was late, not me and that is surprising because l am always running late. Anyway, we called in to see my very good friend Pidz before we started our shopping. Thought we were only going to have a cuppa and leave but his sister Kay came home while we were there with some sad news. She had just taken their younger sister Carmel to the doctors and she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Everybody was a bit shocked with this statement because Kay herself had breast cancer eight years ago. Kay was more upset than Carmel who apparently did not even shed a tear. Needless to say we stayed a bit longer than planned in the hope of making Kay feel a bit better about the whole situation. I think that Kay was struggling more with her own journey than Pidz and l had realized.

Anyway, Kim and l then headed into the Crown Casino complex to shop for underwear. Kim had been given a $300 gift voucher last June. Time to cash it in. Silly me thought that we would have a great time spending $300 on underwear. I love nice underwear. The shop has moved to Bourke Street. Damn ! We left the car at the Casino complex and set off on a lovely walk up to Bourke Street. Good job that l knew my way around Melbourne because Kim had no idea. We finally find this tiny little shop at the GPO on the corner of Elizabeth Street and Bourke Street. Can not see any underwear but we are in the right place. All the underwear is in little boxes on the wall and we need to choose from the catalogue. Apparently you are not allowed to touch the underwear until you have made your choice because it is french lace. I am very disappointed but Kim seems to have some idea that this was going to happen. She flicks through the catalogue and within a minute she tells the little Asian girl the bra she would like to look at and her size.

I was relieved to know that you are allowed to try the underwear on. The little (l mean really little) girl goes to the little boxes on the wall and pulls out Kim's choice. Kim asks to see the matching underwear. I am thinking that is a good idea because l like my bra and knickers to match. Nice, very nice. Kim goes to try them on. Yep, we will have those. OMG, $273 for the bra (covered by the gift voucher) but $224 for the knickers (not covered by the gift voucher). I do not care if they are french lace or gold lace that is ridiculous ! Well, Kim thinks about it for a minute and then decides to look at a G String in the hope it will be cheaper. I am thinking maybe we should ask for crutch less knickers ie/ less is cheaper. LOL. She decides that she will pay $117 for french lace G String ! Simply ridiculous. Now l can be as decadent as they come but really l would have to agree with my man on this occasion. His view was, WHY ? He likes the naked version better anyway. LOL. I do love that man. My mouth still dropped open, the sales girl puts the G String in a box big enough to fit 200 tightly packed G Strings and the bra in another box just as big. Now I am understanding the price structure. We are paying for the wrapping. LOL.

We leave the shop and Kim is really pleased with her purchase. I am so not understanding her head space. She feels that her man (who is somebody else's man) will be very impressed. My head is sitting in judgement thinking he just wants her to dress like a prostitute and he is happy to pay for that pleasure because his wife will not reduce herself to dress like that. Now that is not very nice Tracey !!!! However, l do feel that it is a pretty true statement. I am embarrassed. That is right, Tracey is embarrassed. I feel like l have just been shopping in a shop that services hookers. Not known for my ability to hold in such thoughts, out it comes. OMG, she justifies her purchase with the statement, "l deserve it. He thinks a lot of me to give me such a lovely gift." What does one say ? I did not know what to say. Then she says, "If l was going to get married, l would shop for bridal underwear there. Their underwear is beautiful. I can't wait to wear this for him. It will really turn him on."

I am speechless. Apart from the fact that l do not really approve of her relationship with this man anyway, l am now receiving way too much information and just can not believe that somebody would spend that amount on a bra and a pair of knickers. Even if l were getting married, l would have trouble justifying spending that much on underwear. Do not get me wrong, l like nice underwear but......l decide that l should not say any more. That is right, l decided to shut up. Well, actually l simply did not know what else to say to this young lady who under values her self worth. We head back to the car and home to Bendigo with nothing further said on the matter. So much for my shopping day in Melbourne. I think we were in the shop for about 15 minutes max and we drove four hours to get there and back. Days like today just make me appreciate the simple things in life.

Lazy Sunday

2007-01-14T23:02:00.000+11:00

Not a lot happening around here today. My friend Kim came over to visit. It is always good to catch up with her. She is on holidays at the moment so it was a very relaxing afternoon just sitting around chatting to her with the cricket on in the background. Australia won again in case you didn't know. Kim owns her own mobile dog grooming service, "Plush Puppies". That is how l meet her. When l stole my dog back from my ex-husband she needed to be clipped so Kim came to the rescue.

Bella dog is a cockaspanial, rather like a walking carpet. Wayne had not clipped her in over a year and she was having trouble walking because of the grass burs caught in her fur. Bella loves Kim and it is very apparent that Kim spoils Bella with doggy treats. Anyway, Kim and l have also become good friends. l understand how hard it is to run your own business. People expect so much more from you once they know that you own a business. Funny because really you are just an average person trying to earn a living doing something that you enjoy or that you are good at. Owning your own business tends to isolate you in a small town like Bendigo. Besides being a great dog groomer she is a lovely, down to earth young lady who is trying to save enough money to buy her own house so that she can move out of her parents house. She is very caring and l have a lot of time for her. Only trouble is that she works very hard and we do not often have lazy Sunday afternoons to just sit around and chat. Tomorrow we are going to Melbourne to have some retail therapy. Should be good fun.

End of the festive season

2007-01-14T12:11:00.000+11:00

Really l have absolutely no time left to write in my blog today. I simply do not know where my days go now. Being unemployed you would think that l would have endless hours of free time wouldn't you. Lana visited today in her new car. It is pretty flash. Her father has fully restored a 1966 Ford XP for her. It was suppose to be finished for her 18 birthday but well that was 10 weeks ago but who is counting. The car is awesome. It will suit Lana because she likes being different from other people. No idea where she gets that from. Her father has been building this car for the last three years. I have to admit he has done an excellent job. Apparently $12,000 worth of good job. It is fully chromed and dark green in colour. Lana's boyfriend Alan is a spray painter so he helped with the final spray. I am going to try to work out how to get a photo onto this blog because it is a pretty cool car.

It has cheered Lana up a bit because she hurt her back at work earlier in the week. Strained all the muscles in the lower back unloading a truck of furniture that she should not have been unloading in the first place but her manager was yelling and swearing at her. Yes, l am very angry about that. The physio has taped her back and she has a week off work. Poor kid. The car has certainly brightened up her week. I wanted to go for a drive in it but well it just didn't seem right to ask. I will have to make it a mission to do that later this week.

I did find time to pull down the Christmas tree and pack it away for another year. I have promised myself that it will not sit in the shed without coming out every Christmas from now on. There really is no excuse for not celebrating Christmas of 2004 & 2005. Perhaps by celebrating 2006, l have in fact set up 2007 to be my best year ever. Funny thing the power of positive thought. A dear friend of mine reminded me that positive thought can achieve miracles. I believe that, l taught her that and she taught me to have faith. I have let my faith dwindle in 2006 and have promised myself that in 2007 l shall believe, l shall think positively and a shall draw on my faith. I have so much to be grateful for instead of grumbling about what l do not have. So even though the festive season is over for 2006, l feel inspired, refreshed and l am looking forward to the rest of 2007.

Am l weird ?

2007-01-12T21:54:00.000+11:00

Well l have been tagged by Ruthie to determine if there is anything weird about me. Told her she should not have bothered, everybody already knows that l am a little bit different. Anyway, l shall share a little bit about myself. The rules state that l need to tag five other bloggers but l simply do not know five other bloggers so l can only half play the game.....

Here are the rules to play :-
(1) List five weird things about yourself or your pets
(2)Tag five friends and list them
(3)Those people need to write in their blogs about five weird things
and state the rules and tag five more people
(4)Don't forget to let the people you tag know by posting a
comment on their blog

5 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME
1. When l open a pack of biscuits, l can not leave them in their original wrapping, l have to put them into an air tight container. Now that is not odd but l suppose the fact that l line them up in straight lines might be considered as a little bit strange.

2. When l change a toilet roll the paper needs to roll off from the top not the bottom. Just can not stand the paper coming out of the bottom. I've got to change it even if l am in another persons toilet. Oh and l can never understand why people do not put the empty toilet roll in the bin. Do they think that if they leave it in the toilet long enough it will regrow paper ????

3. I have this really curly, kind of frizzy mass of hair which only my closest and dearest friends ever see. It was prefect 80's hair but now l straighten it with a straightening iron before step outside the door. It is also very grey now so l get it dyed a multitude of colours so nobody know how old l really am getting.

4. When l am up a ladder l can not step back down the ladder the same way l went up the ladder. l have to turn around so l can see my way down the ladder. I am told that this is very odd. Apparently nobody gets down the steps of a truck quiet like me.

5. I can not stand anything to be put in a pile. Everything has it's place and it should be put away. Just can not stand piles. My mother loves piles. She has piles of things in every room. On every bench. Not a clear space in sight. Hate piles. Drives me nuts. I have been told that makes me very anal. Do not care. No piles in my home or workplace.

An easy task for me to complete Ruthie, l do so many odd things. So, am l weird or just a little bit different ? Maybe you should not answer that question. Scarfic to say l am loveable in my own sweet way.

Bring on 2007...

2007-01-11T20:46:00.000+11:00

Remember for 2007,
Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
Never regret a moment !

I've been away on an adventure with no computer to blog on so this entry will be long, very long. I just don't want to forget a moment.....

Monday 1st January
Well 2007 is here and what better way to start the New Year than setting off in a truck to Adelaide with the man l love. Only had an hour and a half to pack but l did it ! This year is going to be the best ever. You have got to love this man. He knew that l wanted to go to Brisbane to see my best and most dearest friend Ruth so he arranged it. Not an easy task but he did it. He'll have to drive endless miles and work very hard along the way but we will have at least 10 days together. So much time with the man l love and to enjoy the simple things in life. Anyway, he drove all night and in the early hours of the morning we stopped in a parking bay at the bottom of the hills, on the outskirts of Adelaide. A beautiful clear night, stars in the sky and a warm early morning breeze. Not a doubt in my mind that 2007 will be a year filled with much love and happiness.

Tuesday 2nd January
We woke up to the sun shinning through the window..opps should have closed the curtains but the moonlight was so beautiful. Into Adelaide to unload the truck. That didn't go quiet so smoothly. It took five hours to get unloaded. There were trucks and Christmas freight everywhere. Job had to be done though. We picked up the most fantastic lunch from this little cafe. Fresh, fresh sandwiches, yum,yum. No time to stop. The truck had to be reloaded to head to Brisbane. Yes Brisbane ! On my way to see my friend Ruthie and her family but it took another four and a half hours to get loaded before we could leave Adelaide. The only good thing about that was while we waited in the long line of trucks, he slept and l got to watch the cricket. As evening approached we were finally on our way through the most beautiful countryside. Hard to imagine the rest of Australia in a drought. The hills were full of healthy crops and livestock. The sunset was simply amazing. The truck coming to a stop for food and some sleep in Yunta, which is the middle of nowhere in particular.

Wednesday 3rd January
Life on the road. Driving, driving and some more driving. A big day and many, many miles. We thought the back road would be an interesting drive and it didn't disappoint us. Again, we drove through some beautiful countryside and saw some awesome properties throughout South Australia. We had a bit of difficulty getting fuel for the truck. We assumed that Broken Hill which was a big dot on the map would have a truck stop. We were wrong. No fuel. There wasn't much of anything in Broken Hill and it was becoming very evident that outback New South Wales is experiencing a drought. The land had now become dry and baron with very little livestock to be seen. We continued to Willcannia, a small town with a high aboriginal population and a fuel depot for trucks. Well, there was a house with a fuel pump in it's front lawn and that was good enough for us. Some more driving and then a stop for a shower at Gilgandra. Refreshed and on our way again, watching yet another amazing sunset. The full moon lighting up the road ahead of us we finally came to a stop just before Gundagai in Pilgers State Forest.

Thursday 4th January
Hmmm....waking up beside the man that you love in the middle of a State Forest. It is a very long way from Bendigo to Brisbane via Adelaide. The driving seems like it will never end. The truck stopping only for the legal breaks, half an hour every five hours and minimum six hours sleep in every twenty-four hour period. We finally get into Brisbane just after lunchtime. Unloaded the truck and headed to the Brisbane depot to drop the trailers. A quick shower and we were on our way to Ruth's house. I am so excited. Another hour of driving to get to there but it will be worth it. I was trying to remember how long it was since l had seen Ruth. I think it has been about seven years. I know it has been far too long. As the truck pulled into the driveway l could see her and her family all proudly standing in front of their new home waiting for me to arrive. It was awesome. Hugs all round. The kids and Ruth climbing into our little home on wheels to check it out and the men standing chewing the fat. Awesome. Now for the tour of their home. Up the stairs and into a house full of loving. I stole some moments with her children, all by myself and read them all a bedtime story. Nice, very nice. Her children are even more beautiful in real life. Can not believe l have missed them growing up. Kids put to bed now it was time to catch up, eat a meal together, check out the rest of the house, photo's to be taken and a chance to see her scrapping albums. Awesome. How l wish there was more time to spend with Ruth and her family. Not to be, the men needed to go to bed so that they could get up for work. My heart wanted to sit and chat to Ruthie around the clock but going to bed with our men seemed the right thing to do.

Friday 5th January
Time with Ruth was over far to quickly. We had a morning cup of tea and took some photo's of Thomas and the girls on the very big truck which Thomas thought was pretty cool but then it was time to go. The truck needed to be loaded for an express load to Parkes and there was more driving to be done. It all went smoothly and soon we were on our way again. l spent most of the day just daydreaming and thinking how very lucky l am to have such good friends and a man who loves me. 2007 is going to be a fantastic year.

Saturday 6th January
We arrived in Parkes in the early hours of the morning. It was almost impossible to find the depot to be able to unload this truck. He was tried and grumpy by this stage and that wasn't helping. I had been asleep and woke up to him throwing a bit of a tantrum. I laid there and listened to him phoning around trying to get directions. Impossible. I got up and we asked a passing car for directions. Local people tend to know the area a little better than people in an office thousands of miles away. LOL. Ten minutes later we arrive at the depot to find it locked. Nobody there till 7.30am. Time for some shut eye. Unloaded, reloaded and time for breakfast at McDonalds. Pancakes..... yum, yum. It was a beautiful day. More driving to be done though. Back to Brisbane. The driving seemed to take forever today. He was tried. So many miles, very little rest and heat that we're not use to. Impossible to get back to Brisbane without more sleep.

Sunday 7th January
We arrive in Brisbane about 9.30am and drop the trailers at the Brisbane depot. It is a day off ! The company have decided that he deserves a day in a motel. They are paying. Awesome. Really by law the driver must have 24 hours out of his truck in any 7 day period. The motel is nothing flash but it has a shower and it is certainly bigger than a truck. I want to go to the market. I want to go to the beach. I want to go back to see Ruth and her family. I want far too much. This man is exhausted. He just wants to do nothing. That's fair. More than fair. He has had a big week. I struggle to sit around doing nothing. It is just not in me. If l stop l sleep. So be it. He decides that we should get up and have a bit of a wonder around 4 o'clock. One drink on the veranda of the hotel and we head back to the room. He is in relax mode and nothing much is going to happen. Snuggling on the bed is very nice though.

Time for food. We get dressed and head over the hotel for food only to find that they do not do meals on a Sunday. One of the other drivers, Stevie J and his son are sitting on the veranda so we have a drink with them and then walk around the corner to the Chinese Restaurant. Nice. Very nice. A romantic dinner for two would have been nicer but a bit of social time with Stevie J was fine. I am sure that Stevie would have enjoyed drinking all night but I very selfishly lead my man back to our room for some more quality couple time. Nice.

Monday 8th January
Up bright and early to go and unload. We were thinking that we were pretty lucky to be sent to reload straight away. How wrong we were. It was a bitch of a load. It was well over 40 degrees in the shade and it took over 3 hours for him to load pallets that didn't fit, it the sun. Poor man. I was worried that he was going to drop with heat exhaustion. Nope he has got stamina. He wants to get out of Brisbane and down the road a bit before we stop for a shower. Hmmm... truly this was the best part of the whole trip away. We stopped at the top of the hills before Warwick and went for a walk through the rain forest. Breath taking. Beautiful. We have promised ourselves that we will go back there again and spend the day just wondering through the trees. The view from the lookout was awesome. The passionate kissing and cuddling as the rain fall was........have to leave that to your imagination !

Sadly it must come to an end. Some more miles to travel. We stopped briefly at Warwick to check the load. It had all moved and he was not happy about that. It did however distract him enough for me to buy him a present. Something that he will love and treasure as a memory of our trip away. A leather log book cover. Doesn't sound like much but to a truck driver it will mean a lot. Everyday he will be reminded of our time away. I managed to hide it away in the truck and save it for a special moment to give it to him. He saw it on our way up to Brisbane but won't let me buy it for him. Haha he will be very surprised. He deserves to be spoilt. I love this man with all my heart. Back in the truck and more driving. I fear that the more miles we travel, the sooner my escape with my man will end.

Tuesday 9th January
A long day. Driving, driving and still more driving. I do not know how he does it day in, day out. He enjoys it. I simply can not continue to sit and watch the road. Gone are the beautiful hills. Replace by drought stricken outback New South Wales. We did stop and have a lovely meal for dinner but more work to be done. He needs to unload in Melbourne in the morning and is on a mission to get there. A couple of short breaks but really not enough sleep for either of us. He wakes me in the early hours of the morning to tell me that we are back in Melbourne.

Wednesday 10th January
We are unloaded early at the first drop. Around to the second drop and a phone call to my Mum to come and get me from Melbourne. He has to reload for Sydney and head off again later tonight. Enough truck time for Tracey, my holiday at an end. I hate leaving him. If l had my way we would be joined at the hip 24/7 but that is just a dream. We are both very independant people who would probably struggle with somebody in our space 24/7. However, that said, l enjoyed every minute of 10 days of 24/7 with my man and shall remember how much he spoilt me forever.

Quiet Day

2006-12-31T12:06:00.000+11:00

It was a very peaceful day today. I went into Spotlight and brought a patch to fix my three quarter pants that have been in the fix it pile for twelve months. Did a bit of grocery shopping. The shops were frantic. The car parks were worse with so many angry people trying to get as close as they could to the front door. Anyway, headed home and spent the rest of the day reading. Lazy really but l didn't feel like doing much else. I did iron my big bear patch onto the backside of my three quarter pants so the day wasn't a total waste.

Just the two of us

2006-12-29T22:47:00.000+11:00

It's 6.00am when the alarm went off. I don't really like mornings. Yesterday was different though. It is easy to get motivated when l know that l am going to be able to spent quality time with my man. Yum Yum. Nobody to invade our little world. Hours and hours of magical time together. All be it in a truck ! It's a very big truck. It's always shinny and clean. He loves his truck. His world on wheels. His space.

I was ready to go by 6.30am. Everything packed ready to go. There was no rush so you would have to ask why l go a spending fine on my way to Melbourne. I was daydreaming. I get so excited about spending time with him. When the policeman pulled me over all l could do was smile. It was so stupid to be speeding. I came back to reality real quick with a $215 fine and loss of three points. The silly thing was that the policeman really didn't seem to want to give me the fine. I told him l was daydreaming. He told me to be careful getting back into my car because of the idiots flying pass us exceeding the speed limit more than l had been. Really what else can you do other than realize that it was this mans job to raise revenue. There was no way l was going to let anything wreck my day.

Continuing on my way l arrived in Melbourne and hour and a half before he was ready to leave. He'd driven down from Sydney over night and they had taken a bit longer than expected to load him for Adelaide. I decided to grab a cuppa and read the paper. Normally l'm a pretty easy to please lady but the girl at the Mac Cafe stand was just dumb. No other way to explain her. I asked for a "Tall Cup of Tea". The choice of cup size being short , standard or tall. The girl says to me that she is sorry they do not make tall tea. Hmmm..... I'm thinking what is so complicated about getting a big cup and adding water. She puts a short, dirty cup on a saucer with a pot of tea onto the tray. I'm starting to get really frustrated and tell her that the cup is dirty and asked if it could be replaced by a bigger, clean cup. Nope she can not do that because that is the biggest cup. Hmmm....I pointed to the pile of cups on top of her coffee machine. Spicey little bitch says to me that they are mugs not cups. What is one to do ? I had asked for the biggest cup of tea l could purchase and ended up with the smallest. It was one of those days when everything just seemed a little strange in my world. Really she was just plain dumb. No other words for it, except for rude too !

Finally he arrives. His checky grin appearing opposite me. Cap on his head. Unshaved. I can tell he has wasted no time trying to get to me. Hmmm...his scruffy look is very sexy, very manly. He says that he'd like a coffee so l go to tackle the girl behind the counter again. This time l thought l'd ask for a mug of tea and a pot of water. Silly to think that would make sense to this girl. I felt like jumping behind the counter and doing it myself. Eventually, after talking her through the order step by step (these were little steps) l got our drinks and headed back to the table. He wants to rest and watch a bit of TV before we leave because he has not had much sleep. My mind can not think of anything nicer than being wrapped in his arms, laying on the bunk, watching a bit of TV, chatting about his morning and my speeding fine. It is always wise to confess these things while wrapped in his arms. The time goes so quickly when we are together. Time to get going.

He drives. I chat. He drives. I chat. He drives and finally the truck comes to rest. Thankfully just in time for me to watch the last hour of the cricket and the news while he catches an hour of shuteye. I massage his head to ensure that he rests peacefully while l watch Australia win the forth test. Truck drivers never stop for long. They recharge their batteries and then they are on the road again. The phone rings and there is a change of plans. We are no longer going straight through to Adelaide. A changeover truck will meet us in Nihl and we need to be back in Melbourne in the morning to re-load. Intially l thought that the change of plans was just going to wreck our time together but it actually worked to our favour.

We were early enough to be able to park the truck and walk back into Nihl for a counter meal. I do not know what was more enjoyable the walk into town, the beautiful meal that we got at the local pub, the slow walk back to the truck watching the sunset, the pink sky that turned into the most enchanting evening or just being with him, walking arm in arm. Yum Yum. There are no words to explain my love for this man. Time is endless with him but it goes so fast. The changeover truck arrives and it is time to head back to Melbourne. My escape with him shortened but etched in my heart forever....

Friendship

2006-12-26T20:57:00.000+11:00

There is a recipe for friendship
that's old but still true
It's one that never fails, l'd like
to share it with you

First you need someone who accepts
you just as you are
Someone who doesn't need you to
be some kind of major star

Someone who'll cry with you and
share your deepest pain
Someone who'll lift you
till you can stand again

Someone who finds your jokes
funny and laughs to show it
Someone who really likes you
someone who lets you know it

Someone you're glad you have
all the years through...
this recipe for friendship
can be found in you.

Christmas Day

2006-12-25T22:50:00.000+11:00

So much fuss for 24 hours...It has been very hard for me to find the Christmas spirit this year. It really hasn't been the happiest Christmas l can remember. It is so nice to have Ruth back in my life. When the phone rang this morning and l heard the STD beeps l was so excited. I just love hearing her voice. She was just so excited (as always) about Christmas.

All weekend l've tried to get into the spirit of things. I sanded and oiled the outdoor setting. A job l was going to do last Christmas. I'd brought the oil but just didn't get motivated to do it. I finally put together a photo frame with old,old photo's of my Mum and Dad, their wedding day, their parents, Mum's brother and Dad's sister. I've had the frame hanging in my hallway for two years waiting for some photo's. Well, waiting for me to decide what to put in the frame. I didn't know whether l wanted my children or what. Ruth's scrapping inspired me to look through Mum's cupboards and l am so glad l did. Now l've framed Mum's memories not just my own.

My man came home on Saturday so l spent some quality time with him. We rarely get to spend time together without one of us having to be somewhere or doing something for somebody else. Hence no blog entry for Saturday night. I figure he is worth it. We sat and watched TV and generally did nothing. We slept in and enjoyed just being together with the world stopped for about 18 hours. Today he is off celebrating Christmas with his girls at his Mum & Dad's. Eighteen years of emotional hurt with my ex-husbands children have taught me a good lesson not to get involved in the parenting of other women's children. Though it makes Christmas a lonely time for me.

My own children have grown up now and it seems that because they see me all the time they make different choices on Christmas Day. Really it all started when l got divorced because l refused to fight over Christmas. I just decided that l didn't need any one day to love the special people in my life. Nor did l need one particular day to give presents. This attitude defused any arguments and meant that my children could do whatever they choose to do on Christmas Day. Interestingly, this attitude means that nobody who knows me has to feel guilty about not spending time with me at Christmas. It's easier for everybody that way.

My daughter went with her boyfriend to Swan Hill, which is about 3 hours away, to see his mother and sisters. He doesn't see them very often so they make a big deal out of Christmas. Last year l drove Lana and Al to Swan Hill and took Billy because Al wanted the whole family deal. I hated it. It just reminded me of how nice Christmas used to be when my family were all together. So, this year l'm back to not doing Christmas and just dogsitting Lana's puppy for a couple of days. "Chopper" or "Chop" as she is called has actually been quite good company and a distraction from my feelings of loneliness. Billy was here all day and has gone to his father's tonight but well he is a teenager and really just tries to do the right thing by spending so time with me and some with his father. We spoke about it today and really he dislikes Christmas as much as me. I think it's all about the expectation other people have.

Anyway, all in all a quite day. Dad was home from hospital on day leave. My brother did ring my parents to wish them Merry Christmas but didn't speak to me. He rang on Saturday to apologize for his behaviour on Thursday night but it's going to take a bit more than an apology for me to forgive him. Hmmm....I will have to reach real deep inside myself to forgive him. I do not think that he liked what l had to say to him. I feel that he needs to give up drinking. One day he will wake up to find everything and everybody that he loves just won't be there. He needs to have a good look at himself because he isn't a very nice person at the moment. It's sounds like l'm being extremely ungrateful and a hard old bitch but I think it's all about respect. He hasn't shown any respect to me as a person and I certainly do not respect the person he has become. At least l don't have to worry about him coming to visit for Christmas. He is too embrassed to show his face here.

So this is Christmas.......MERRY CHRISTMAS ! Bring on 2007 and l shall try hard to get in the Christmas spirit next year.

Phone a friend....

2006-12-23T14:23:00.000+11:00

I promised myself that l was going to write in my blog every day but well things rarely work out how l plan. I was having quite a good day on Thursday until l sat down to dinner and then the phone rang half way through eating it. My brother was on the phone. It was difficult to make out what he was saying but after 5 minutes l had worked out that he had been to his work break-up. He was drunk. He'd arrived home drunk to find Paula and his three kids gone. Yep, it is the season to be jolly ! The worst part was that he was trying to blame me for this mess. He had lent me money on the Wednesday and apparently Paula didn't think he should so they had a fight about it. If l had know that this chain of events was about to happen, l would never have taken the money from him.

Anyway, he tells me that he has broken into the house. He wasn't going to be locked out of his house. He pays the mortgage. Mind you breaking all the glass surround around the front door wasn't smartest thing he has ever done because he couldn't fit through the gap. Not to be stopped he had then broken one of the lounge room windows. He was in the house and he wasn't going anywhere. He lives in Frankston. I live in Bendigo. That's a two and a half hour drive if you speed just a little bit. No choice really because he is very drunk and threatening to kill people. Seems he doesn't really like Paula's brother very much nor her mother. But then my brother doesn't really like anybody very much and few people like his arrogance, including me.

So I am in Harcourt (that is about half an hour from Bendigo) and my mobile phone rings. It's Mum and she is very distressed. I'd left her talking to my brother on the phone. I thought if she talked to him while l was driving down to Frankston she might be able to distract from his mission of mass destruction. I thought it was a good plan but I am known to be wrong occasionally. Three police cars had arrived at his house with Paula to arrest him and get him out of the house. Apparently, he had also put an axe handle through the lounge room door and threatened to hit Paula with it. Hmm....now I am beginning to feel sick in the stomach. Why is it that my family have to solve everything with alcohol and violence ?

My mind was working overtime because l was still two hours away. Only one thing to do at a time like this....PHONE A FRIEND ! Preferably somebody who cares. My friend Pidz has been looking after his Dad who has just had a heart attack and they live in Frankston. Yes, Yes, he is in Frankston and Yes he will go around to my brother's house and try to stop him from being locked up. The police had left unable to remove my brother from his house but l feared that they would return, probably with a court order. I thought a sober person might help this situation. Pidz is always so calm and rational. I love that man to bits. He knows how crazy my family are and he still agreed to go around there.

I was about 45 minutes away from Frankston. Nobody had rang me to say that the police had come back. Mum hadn't rung back to say that he'd killed anybody. I was thinking it would be safe to phone my brother and see if he'd calmed down. No answer. I phoned Pidz. He felt that he had the situation under control and that he'd leave and go back to his parents place. I begged him to stay at my brother's place until l got there. He agreed. I am so pleased he did. I love this man to bits but he really was kidding himself that he had the situation under control. This was my brother we were talking about and l know him to be as manipulative and conniving as my father. Memories of my abusive childhood flooding my brain and tears are running down my face. I felt sick in the stomach. I struggle with the concept of my brother being an abusive drunk like my father. How can my brother abuse his children after watching what my father did to me ? He watched as my father bashed me. He always hid fearfully in the corner, scared that Dad would hit him next. How does he live with himself creating so much fear in the people that he supposedly loves?

Finally l arrive. I've stopped crying. I need to be strong. Stupidly l thought that l was going to be about to reason with this man. Nope. Not a hope of this man seeing any reason. In the hallway is a pedestal fan in pieces having been thrown at the wall. The lounge room floor is covered with kid crap. Paula isn't known for her cleanliness. However, my brother's path of destruction is evident with hammers, nails, a saw and bits of board spread across the floor. He spent the next hour yelling at me and telling me that l owe him. He threatened to come to Bendigo and get Dad out of hospital because l have no right to keep him locked up. He voiced his opinion about my marriage and told me that l deserve to be divorced. Apparently, he believes that l deserve to have nothing and he is going to see that my life is destroyed. Then he had a few words about the man that l now love and continued to tell me that he always has to help me.

That's when l lost it. Truly the Tracey of 25 years ago raised her head and told him a thing or two. It was about then when he threatened to put a hammer through my head. "Go on then. Hit me" l said. My heart racing because the last time l said those words was to my father and l ended up with a monkey wrench around my face. It was time to leave. This situation was never going to be brought under control. My friend Pidz was still sitting in his chair. I think his was scared to move. My brother had threatened him before l arrived. Always calm, Pidz says, "If you are so concerned about your father, build a unit in your backyard and look after him". Good on you Pidz ! My brother cares about nobody but himself. I have no idea why Paula puts up with his abuse. I was stupid to think that l could go to Frankston and help this man. He is beyond help. For as long as amber fluid runs through his veins instead of blood there will be no way to help him.

So instead of writing in my blog Thursday night, l drove two and a half hours to Frankston. Got abused for an hour and then drove two and a half hours back home. I cried most of the way home not believing that l had restored to yelling abuse back at my brother. Crying because my years of hard work controling my aggression had slipped away because l felt a need to defend myself to an abusive, manipulative arsehole. I really didn't handle the situation well. He was so hurtful. I couldn't believe the things that he had to say to me. I shall struggle for the rest of my life to forget the words. I shall struggle for a long time to forgive him but l will because l'm better than sinking to his level. Really he is a novice compared to my father and l found the strength to forgive him. I shall find the strength to forgive my brother. But l shall never forget what either of them have said or done to me.

What a day !

2006-12-20T23:46:00.000+11:00

After completing a two hour psych examine on line and not performing quiet how l would have liked l headed off to my job interview this morning. I hadn't slept well. l was actually nervous. I'd really like this marketing position. I see it as an excellent opportunity to do something different. I am tried of doing accounts. It's such a drag handling large debtor bases that aren't your own. I have enough to worry about with my own finances.

Anyway, l don't know that l did as well as l would have liked in the interview. Yes, l was in the final three but l just don't know that l nailed the interview. I did the best l could but is that enough? Hopefully, I will know on Friday whether l got the position or not. At least l won't have to wait till after Christmas to find out. I could really do with God smiling down upon me and a couple of things to go my way at the moment. No sooner did l get home from my interview and l had to go to the hospital for a family meeting about Dad coming home.

You would have to ask what sort of idiots they are at this hospital. Yes, it is Christmas and l suppose l should be pleased that they want to send Dad home for Christmas BUT why would you send a reformed alcoholic home from the psych centre in the festive season ? How am l ever going to control his environment ? I sound like a bitch but l refused to take him home. I've agreed to day leave until after the New Year. I feel that l will probably be able to convince my brother not to have any alcohol in the house until after 5pm. I am forever hopeful.

My mother wasn't very happy with my stand. Nobody was happy with me but at the end of the day l care for these people and what l say goes. If l don't feel that l can cope than somebody needs to listen to me. It is ridiculous to think that l am going to be able to control all the family conflicts associated with my brother visiting and my father coming out of hospital, all in Christmas week ! What are these people thinking ? I don't think they were expecting me to put up any argument because "it is the season to be jolly.....haha". Not in my world.

Oh, they told me that if l had any problems l was to phone them anytime 24/7. I laughed at them and asked if they were going to be working 9pm on Christmas Day when my brother and father have both had too much to drink and the fighting starts. Hmmm....well no.... but somebody will be there to help you. I laughed even harder and told them point blank l simply wasn't going to have Dad home and that they better work something out.

They knew l was serious. I didn't shead a tear. I didn't raise my voice. I was very assertive. I was very proud of my behaviour and for the first time in my life l stood up to my father and truly won. He really didn't like being told that he would now be answerable to me. Humbling...everything comes to those who wait. Some of us just have to wait longer than others. It has been worth the wait. My father's totally unexceptable behaviour is now out in the open. They know. They saw him in action today. They were horrified at how he spoke to me. No more secrets. Mum couldn't cover up his abusive behaviour and he couldn't control it. A double win for me. There is a God and he cares for me. WOW ! A feeling of power over a man who l have feared all my life. That is it ! The line has been drawn in the sand.

They were telling me how great he'd been on the ward. They said they now had his medication under control. I laughed at them again. They spent half an hour telling me that they had the situation under control. Then it happened. Dad had to sign a form. He is trying to put his glasses back into the case and out of the glasses case falls four tablets. LOL. Dad's trying to pick them up off the floor. The doctor is asking him where he got the tablets from. Dad is arguing with the Doctor that he'd prescribed them and l'm sitting there laughing about the fact that these people honestly believed that they had Dad's medication under control. LOL. You would think these people would have seen a prescription junkie before. Obviously not. However, l no longer felt like the unreasonable bitch because they got to see who my father truly is today and nobody could cover it up.

My mother didn't speak to me on the way home from the hospital. I don't think she really knows how to say sorry but really there is no need. She knows that today marks the end of a life time of abuse for me. Bring on 2007....I'm ready and waiting for my new future !

Ho, Ho, Ho.......

2006-12-18T23:43:00.000+11:00

It's the season to be jolly ! I have got to say that l haven't done Christmas for the last four years. It took me over two hours to untangle the Christmas tree lights. In the end, l sacrificed one set of lights, with a pair of scissors. Otherwise, he lights would simply not have made it to the tree. It felt good snipping those little wires which had caused me so much frustration. I had a box full of decorations that also hadn't seen the festive season for over four years.

Guess what else l found. Something very special. Made me all emotional. Two hand made Christmas balls, green and white, with a gold band and my kids names painted on them. My friend had made them many years ago when my children were small. It was so nice to see my son hang his personal Christmas ball right in the front of the tree for everybody to see again this year. Normally he has no interest in Christmas. It really hasn't been a festive time since l left my husband. I am determined to make this Christmas special. 2007 is going to be a fantastic year and I'm not going to be stopped from making it so.

I sat and wrote over 40 Christmas cards today. Another task l haven't done in for a few years. Amazing how friendly l feel at the moment. I actually didn't see this as a chore. I wanted to wish everybody a very, very Merry Christmas. I wrote cards to people who l have had no contact with for years. Unlike with my friend Ruth, who's address l had lost when l moved house, l had the addresses of these friends but l really haven't been in the Christmas spirit. Well, l should be truthful, l really haven't been in the mood for people in general. I really felt all peopled out by the time we closed our roller skating business six years ago. Tried of people and their expectations and judgements of me as a person. My failed marriage not helping with this process of isolation.

I became entrenched in my work to combat the feelings of emptiness and lack of security from leaving my husband after 18 years of marriage. That's all l did work, work and if there was spare time l worked. That meant there really wasn't time for people or for Christmas. No time to remember. No time to be sentimental. So this year l am determined to return to the old Tracey. I need to loose 20kg. I need to work on my people patients skills. I need to smile more. I need to believe. Part of this process will be believing in the Christmas spirit again. It's the season to be jolly.....ho, ho, ho.

Men, who needs them

2006-12-16T22:28:00.000+11:00

Saturday is suppose to be a day of rest isn't it. All l really wanted to do was watch the cricket. Mum had other ideas. Since Dad is in hospital she feels that this is a perfect time to be spring cleaning. It's very scary seeing a woman in her seventies swing from the top of a ladder. No men around to help. They are always missing when something needs to be done. I get Mum down from the ladder. She has been in the smallest room of her unit, yep the toilet where she has been trying to clean the lauver window. She is far too short and didn't have her glasses on. I know she is just trying to keep herself busy so she doesn't have to think about Dad locked up in the mad house but really all l want to do is watch the cricket.

Anyway, up the ladder l get. I hate heights. I hate ladders. Where is a bloody man when you need him? Off being a perfect father to his three girls.....hmmm l hate weekends.....never any Jamie/Tracey time. It never used to be a problem when l was working because l never had time to think about the lack of weekend Jamie/Tracey time. Up until three months ago l had worked at least one day of every weekend for five years. Now l just get depressed when l think about it. I've never been involved in his time with his girls. It's easier that way. He is their parent not me. I did learn some things from being married to Wayne. It sounds selfish but well at the end of the day they are his responsibility not mine. I don't know what annoys me more, the fact that l hate heights or the fact that he isn't here when l need him.

The little lauvers won't slide out so l can clean them properly. Not happy with just wiping them over l decided to use a bit of force to pull the bloody things out. Arrrrrr, my finger gets caught and then l break the glass trying to free my finger. The lauver snaps in two and one piece flies up and hits me in the bridge of my nose. Now there's blood. My mother fussing. Me up a ladder. Where is he when l need him? Not to be beaten l finish cleaning the lauvers that aren't broken. It's alot easier with one of them now missing. Blood running down along my nose. What a mess! Job is finally finished. Well l thought l was finished...

"I was wondering if you could put the slim line blind up in the bathroom while we've got the ladder inside ?" says the voice of a little old lady from the bottom of the ladder. Mind you, she has been waiting over 12 months for this job to be done. There is already a blind up in the bathroom but when l replaced my laundry blind with a very flash stainless steel blind Mum decided my old one could go up in her bathroom. Can't throw anything out. It might be useful one day. I couldn't really say no so l move the ladder into the bathroom to do this small task for her. Blood still running down my nose because it's 30 degrees in the shade and l'm up a ladder in the smallest rooms of the whole house with no air. Where is my man when l need him ?

You'd think that things could go smoothly so that l could go back to watching the cricket but it just wasn't to be. The curtain and old blind in the bathroom had to come down before l could put the new one up. That was the easy part. The brackets that held them up were another story. The previous owner of this house had decided to paint over these brackets and the screws that hold them up. Smart man.....didn't think about painting around the brackets afterall that would be intelligent. At least the blood has stopped. I get down from the ladder to go and get my cordless drill. Yep, a woman with tools. No man but tools. My good friend Cherille brought me a cordless drill the first Christmas l was in my new house. She thought it might be a handy thing for me to have. Truly, it is one of the best tools l own. Back to removing the brackets. Put the new brackets up and hang the blind. Doesn't look half bad and l didn't need a male to help me.

Just when l thought that l could go back to watching the cricket......she asks, "could you just wipe the light shade while you are up there ?" Hmmm.....who is doing this spring cleaning ? "I can't really reach the top of the medicine cabinet." Hmmm....My mind is thinking, if l don't do these things she will get back up this ladder and l won't be able to watch the cricket anyway cause l'll have to keep an eye on the silly old bitch. All jobs done. Back to my house to watch the cricket. Well almost, Kim arrives and obviously she is up for a chat. Nice but really l just want to watch the cricket. She would think l was very rude if l didn't listen to her so l resign myself to not watching anymore cricket today...afterall there is still two more days of cricket.

Billy's 16th Birthday Bash

2006-12-15T20:41:00.000+11:00

My son who spends most of his life on a farm with his father asked if he could have his 16th birthday party at my house, considering l live in town. Actually l live in the dead centre of Bendigo, in the street opposite the cemetery. Very convenient for teenagers. My son is a quiet boy. Never has alot of friends over. I always have to encourage him to be a bit more social unlike my daughter who is a social animal. Anyway, l agree to have the birthday party at my house. It wasn't held on the weekend of his birthday because a couple of friends couldn't make it on that weekend. I'm still thinking that's ok because it would be good for Billy to have a party and l was hoping all his friends would turn up so he wasn't disappointed.

The Tuesday before the party Billy arrives on my doorstep expelled from school. Hmmm....simply beyond my control to fix that problem. Really, this was the child that was expelled from kinda. He's never really enjoyed school. I can't even begin to explain how upset l get about Billy and school. However, we made an agreement that he could still have his birthday party and that l will not nag him until after the party. This was actually to give me some time to think about a plan of attack for getting this boy into some kind of apprenticeship or course or anything other than sitting in front of the playstation.

The next morning he gets up and tells me that he is going to move all my mother's pot plants into the little back yard and put a lock on the gate because he doesn't want nan's plants to get damaged on the night of the party. I'm thinking that is a clever idea Billy. So he had his mate come over to help him because there are alot of pot plants in the main back yard. Then he tells me that he'll take the plants from the front veranda just in case. Better to be safe then sorry. Smart boy.They worked very hard and without complaint. Silly me, l'm still thinking that Billy is trying to do the right thing. I always like to think the best of him.

Thursday he gets out of bed and says, "Mum l think l'll move all the haning plants into the shade house and then put the swing seat across the opening so that nobody swings on the plants." You'd think that l'd twig about what was going to happen, wouldn't you but no, l'm still thinking that Billy is trying to do the right thing so that none of nan's plants get destoryed. It was all going so well. Again he worked all day without complaint. He even picked up the dog shit. A major accomplishment. It was nice having him around the house because life has been pretty gloomy lately. Later that night we watched some tv and chatted about nothing in particular.

Friday Billy gets up around lunchtime and tells me that he has three locks. One for the garden shed, one for the little back yard and one for the side gate. He tells me that he has invited quiet a few people. I'm still praying that somebody is going to turn up or Billy is going to be very disappointed. Afterall Billy isn't really a very social child, is he ? He asks me if we can lock both the doors of the garage. I'm thinking it would be better for his mates to sit around in the shed. Nope he doesn't even want chairs in the back yard. Again you'd think that an intelligent mother would wonder why. Not me. I'm still thinking that Billy doesn't want his mates to do anything horrid to my good outdoor setting.

Saturday comes around and again Billy picks up the dog shit. Wonders will never cease. Mum and l have got a Christmas break-up party to go to for tea so l realized maybe l should ask my daughter to come over and keep an eye on things till l get home. Now that was the first good idea l'd had all week. As l'm leaving, Billy says that he is going to take the handle off the toilet door so that nobody can get into the house. There is a second door into the toilet from the outside. Hmmm....now l'm thinking. A little bit late but now l'm thinking. We decide to lock Mum's unit up and lock both my front and back security door. Lana hasn't arrived yet but l'm thinking it's all good, there's only Billy and two mates in the backyard. I'm praying as l leave that somebody turns up to this party. I really don't want anything else to go wrong for this poor kid.

Dinner was really nice. We were at a Ten Pin Bowl break-up and just before the trophy presentation my phone rings. It's Lana. Just wondering how long it will be before you get home. It sounds quiet enough. I ask if everything is ok. Smart girl Lana ! Everything is fine, she says. Just wondering how long it will be before you get home. I still have no idea. We didn't rush home but it was lucky that l decided we probably should get home and share Billy's party with him. Afterall, it sounded really quiet and l thought Billy might be sad because not many people had turned up.

As l drive into our street l realise that there are a few cars doing burnouts. Then l see probably 50 kids drinking in the street. Girls sitting in the gutter. I'm thinking, wow isn't that great, Billy's friends have all turned up. How wrong was l ? When l got out of the car l realized the reason why they were out in the street was because there was no room left in the backyard. Not a small backyard. Probably 200+ kids in the backyard. It gets worse. I find Billy. He is well on the way to being drunk. Very proud of himself. Great party ! Ok, so at this point l realise that l have really underestimated my son but there is no time to talk to him because 3 police cars have just pulled into my driveway. ARE YOU THE ADULT IN CONTROL OF THIS PARTY ? Well, l'm the adult but l certainly wasn't in control of the party. They lecture me on the fact that l should have registered the party on thepolice website and l'm like, yes, yes, yes l should have done that. My brain trying to think of a good excuse why l hadn't. Why hadn't l asked more questions about this party ? Why had l gone out for tea ? How was l going to get this under my control ? Anyway, when the cops turned up everybody that was is the street just split, as you do at an under age party when you are drunk. So the task of controlling this party looks acheivable. The cops leave telling me that l'll have no hope and that they will be back !

I spend the next three hours at my letterbox telling kids they can't be in the street, they can't urinate in my neighbours driveway, please don't throw the bottles, I tell you if you continue to fight l will punch you in the nose. Really l had absolutely no control of the situation. My mother was playing nurse out in her unit. Three girls bashed a boy in the toilet. Another girl smashed a bottle over a boys head. Mum really deserves a medal for her patients on a very trying night. There was no way to control all these teenagers. They were all so angry. Taxi after taxi pulled up in my street and teenagers got in and out. Then it happened. The point of no return. This really big, very drunk boy decided to windmill his way down the driveway into the backyard and hit everyone and anything in his path. That started a gang fight and Billy decided that was enough.

Billy rang the police. Now you have to imagine 200+ drunk teenagers leaving my house on mass before the cops locked them up. An ambulance had to take the big kid who started the fight away. My neighbour across the road decided that he didn't want these kids on his lawn and threatened to kick their arses. Silly man. They bashed him. The police had even less control than l had. I couldn't believe it. I thought police had the ability to control situations like this. These kids just thought the police were a joke. It took over an hour for them to clear the street. Meanwhile l felt like crying but that wasn't going to help. I had to sweep the driveway from the road through to the garage so that l could drive the car into the shed. There wasn't an inch that didn't have broken glass on it. My mother was just shaking her head. We filled three large wheely bins with cans and bottles. There was no lawn left in my backyard. Some kid had fallen through the plaster in the room attached to the garage. The carpet in that room was just...there are no words to describe the level of destruction these kids had caused. Needless to say, Billy will be having no more birthday parties at my house.

Inspired by Ruthie

2006-12-13T13:44:00.000+11:00

WEDNESDAY 13th DECEMBER, 2006

Well Ruthie again l have been totally inspired by you. Not a week ago l dug a piece of paper up from out of my back wardrobe that had your email address on it. I sent you an email in the hope of finding you again. I found more than l expected. Truly your blog is inpirational. What a fantastic way to record your memories. I wanted to comment and you can't do that unless you're registered so it's offical, l am now a blogger. Unlike you, l have limited computer skills so l shall need your guidance no doubt. Damn it though, l'm going to give it a go !